The celebrated military expert Bob "bollocks" Arseworth makes a prediction

One cannot actually guarantee that every single member of the current cabinet will be utterly useless, dishonest and cretinous, but the selection policy certainly helps.

Mr. Bob Arseworth, currently defence secretary, has been almost permanently in office since the Bliar arrived in 1997, despite the fact that he has never shown the slightest sign of competence at anything except malice in his life.

The only things one can find of any interest in his record are:

1. He was almost, but not quite, a member of the International Marxist Group - didn't even have the guts.

2. He was a shop steward at Jaguar in the 1970s, the period when he and his pals destroyed what was left of the UK motor industry with the help of its managers.

In his latest role, with uncanny prescience, he announced today that "more troops will die in Afghanistan".

There is good reason to believe he doesn't give a shit, though.

The chief reason why more troops will die - chiefly from roadside bombs - is because Toad the Obscene wouldn't pay for equipment to be upgraded.

However, not long ago when someone in Parliament pointed out this truth, Bob the Repugnant shouted out "Bollocks".

So we know where his heart is. Up his arse, next to his brains.

Dare we hope he'll visit to Helmand soon - and benefit from some judicious friendly fire? Or perhaps take a solo joy-ride in a not quite adequately armoured vehicle to see what happens to his bollocks?