Ah! This explains it: mutant ninja chimps are in charge

I am too damn cheap to buy the papers, which is a waste of time anyhow - yesterday the Sun’s front page said CHELSY QUITS BRITAIN.

If you are a normal person you may not give a toss who Chelsy is or a flying f””k whether she’s here or on Mars. You are, however reasonably entitled to wonder why her parents couldn’t spell Chelsea, so I will enlighten you on both points.

She is a tart the buffoonish Prince Harry has been charvering (assuming someone has told him how to do it) and her parents are South African. Got that?

The Independent had a more interesting front page. It had a big close-up of a chimpanzee's face, with a caption in case anyone confused it with a) Harry or b) Gordon Brown. (Clue: it looked a) more intelligent and b) kinder - and honest).

Anyhow, it seems scientists have been cloning some of the upper primates, and a few of them are worried about the results.

Sorry, chaps, you're a bit too late. The buggers are already taking over. The West End pullulates with them every night. They clutter up the pubs; they vomit on the pavements; they sell each other drugs. Many are in parliament, obviously. And they're everywhere. I went to Wigan a while back and the streets were crawling with them.

I met a marketing director in Wigan who was definitely one. So clearly whilst the really useless ones are safely corralled in the cabinet office, quite a few of the others have proper jobs. Unfortunately, though, there is a real problem facing businesses that employ these mutants. They can’t read.

I know this because my partner’s sister went to a job interview on Sunday at a firm called ROC. They do recruitment for Selfridges and Harrods. They had asked for her CV, in which she said she had no retail experience, but thought she could do the job.

They kept her hanging around for 3 hours (cloned primates can’t tell the time and have no social skills - ever seen a chimp scratching its arse?) Then when she finally got seen, the unusually stupid ill-mannered mutant ninja bitch who interviewed her said: “Sorry, you’ve got no retail experience.”

Oddly enough this firm says on their website that one of their objectives is to "Treat other people as you would want to be treated." Obviously they all like sitting around for hours just to be buggered about.

If I were Harrods or Selfridges I’d get down to the zoo pronto and see if a few giraffes might be better at the job.

Don't go poaching anyone at the chairman's office in John Lewis, though: his assistant can't read either.

But I will come to that soon.