Another classic from the Daily Mash

GOVERNMENT TO MONITOR ONE TRILLION COCK PILL EMAILS

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain's email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.

The only internet traffic exempt will be Ministry of Defence communications, NHS data transfers and anything that comes to or from the inbox of an MP, even if it has a JPEG attachment entitled 'Freaky Japanese Scat'.

IT expert Julian Cook said: "Sorry, I must have misheard. Did you say all the internet traffic in the UK? Are you fucked up?

"An elderly crofter living on a Hebridean sheep farm generates enough porn-related clicks to keep an IT worker busy for a year.

"Your average ADD office worker clicking their Facebook page like a starved lab rat on the food button would take more people than are currently alive in the world."

Civil rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: "It's like that book by Orwell. Not the one with the pigs, the one set in the 1980s. What was it called?

"Anyway, the point is, if I update my Twitter page every eight seconds, then that's nobody's business but my own and the seven people who follow me. Hi Debs. CU l8ter. LOL."

But a Home Office spokesman insisted: "Nikki Hollis' ongoing Twitter status is very much the business of government. We need to be able to respond effectively the moment we intercept intelligence which suggests she has just eaten a Kit Kat and is beginning to regret it.

"And as for the gigantic amount of sexually explicit material that will be collected, you do know the home secretary is Jacqui Smith, right?"

By the way, Lindsay Lohan did not straddle a Labrador - not her thing. She prefers girls.

Having said that, I just noticed that our free home improvements secretary is called "The Right Honourable Jacqi Smith." Some mistake, surely.

Yours for £65,000 in The Guardian Jobs section ... just in case you're wondering how they're STILL pissing your money away

The only real requirement is that you can sit in meetings all day talking total bollocks, as follows.

Assistant Directors of Strategy Development (G6) 3 posts

Ref: CS6010

You will lead strategy development in your area; embedding robust strategic action plans and working closely with senior and board-level staff. These are important ambassadorial roles where you’ll be working on high-profile programmes in a complex environment. So it’s vital that you can find your feet quickly.

You will have the ability to develop a clear vision and lead its development and communication to a wide audience. There’ll be a highly skilled strategy development team to manage, plus strategic delivery partners to liaise with. You will be working with teams across IPS and also Home Office Strategy teams to develop a shared agenda.

You should have previous experience of developing and introducing business strategies, and building programmes from scratch, drawing on your quick mind and first-class interpersonal skills. Political astuteness, personal gravitas and a gift for communication will help you negotiate and gain buy-in to strategy options.

What unadulterated drivel. You don't need a "strategy" to issue passports, you wankers. I use the word advisedly, as we're talking about a department of the Home Office, which is next door to the Department of Barbecue and Porn Procurement, Head of Corporate Strategy. J. Smith.

And there are plenty more where that came from: e.g. Strategy Development Managers (G7) Central London - £52,075 + benefits; Strategy Development Analysts (SEO) Central London - £36,412 + benefits; Regional Head of Housing and Economic Development - London Region Up to £70K plus regional allowances (where applicable) (More may be paid for exceptional candidates).

That's £195,000 PLUS benefits pissed away on the first set of jobs. At least a million altogether.The "mission" of the first trio of time-wasters is to "safeguard identity whilst being a trusted and preferred provider of identity services. This means developing and providing the infrastructure to enable you to prove your identity in a convenient and secure manner and to protect your identity."

For that it seems you need a "Strategy Development team responsible for four main areas: corporate strategy; National Identity Service (NIS) strategy; benefits realisation strategy; and safeguarding identity strategy. We’re looking for outstanding professionals to work and lead in these fast moving, exciting and challenging areas."

Here's how to save a few billion straight off. Fire, and don't hire, anyone whose job can't be described in plain English. This applies to the public sector and any firm with more than 150 people, which is about the number of people the Foreign Office employed when Britain ran a fair portion of the world 150 years ago.

If this doesn't make you laugh, seek professional help

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsHzz0QnxUA&feature=related.

Thank you, Greg Waggett - (if anyone wants to know what it's really like to be at the sharp edge in some of the world's worst places, read Greg's book "In My Blood".)

"British MEP accused of fraud and false accounting" - oh, really?

The poor bastard in question is called Wise, and I just read about these charges.

It is grossly unfair, not to say bizarre that anyone in the European parliament should be accused of this offence. I nearly fell out of bed when I read about the poor fellow's predicament.

To those not blessed with living in the said community I should explain that as a rule it is expected - no, required - that all MEPs vigorously support, endorse, indulge in, nay enthusiastically propagate such activities. They are part of the European parliamentarian's remit, in the same way that, say, a U.S. congressman is expected to be a thieving bastard.

Mr Wise must think the whole thing is some kind of insane practical joke at his expense.

Every year, without fail, for as far back as I can remember, the degree of fraud and false accounting is such that the auditors, rather than endorse the accounts of the great European boondoggle, state without equivocation that they are a pack of lies.

Anyone working for the European Commission who draws attention to this sort of thing is fired as a matter of course - even if they've been employed to keep things clean. They have all but ratified a treaty which is nothing but a fraudulent attempt to foist on citizens something which has been repeatedly rejected in popular vote. Rather like the man who, when his doctor tells him he is about to die, says "I want a second opinion. And if that doesn't come out right, a third."

I would have expected Mr. Wise to get some sort of Euro-commendation for setting the kind of example that should be followed by all who wish to carve out a successful career in politics. Maybe even pudding-faced Jacqui "not quite as good as a quick wank" Smith should be sending him e-mails for hints on how to get a few more home-improvements at our expense.

And certainly the Great One-Eyed Toad should be asking him up to Downing Street for free drinks and a big wet kiss. After all, The Bloat has been vigorously engaged in fraudulent accounting since 1997. It was he and Bliar who promised us a referendum on the European con I just mentioned, then withheld it.

Actually, I prefer crooks to idiots. What kind of shit-for-brains loony thinks that, having buried us all in the biggest financial hole in 80 years, they should not just keep pissing away public money on gay, lesbian and transgendered orgy coordinators, but actually spend more in the next year?

You and I, who live in the real world, don't just make up the figures as we go along. We know that if our income goes down, we just spend less. What is wrong with the pumpkin-headed smirking fuckwit? My partner Ian's dopey Labrador Moose has more sense.

Today's quiz

When I first started speaking in public I used to stand up and talk my head off - rather like a politician really.

Then eventually some kind soul said, "Would you make it a little more interactive, please?"

Well, I ignored them because words like interactive are just a load of old corporate bollocks. But when I eventually grasped that they meant the audience should be encouraged to join in, I thought that was O.K. - and they've been interrupting me ever since.

So, here is today's interactive opportunity, restricted to those who are blessed with living in the tattered remnants of this country.

The Great Lying Toad has decided that since so many politicians have been caught stealing money, they should all be given £200 a day for turning up in parliament to do what they're already paid for anyhow.

Very sensible. The best idea (actually, the only even remotely good idea) he's ever had. At least we'll know how much we're being ripped off for.

Your starter for one: if it's going to cost £200 a day for them to turn up, how much should we pay to get them not to bother? £400? £700? £1,000? It's your call.

Next question: how much would it be worth coughing up to get the Toad himself to fuck off back to wherever he came from? Only answers with seven noughts after them qualify.

Final question: how much pension do you think he deserves? Only answers in pence per decade qualify.

It's not really my problem, to be honest, as I'll be dead long before you lot have finished working to repay the cost of his financial mastery. I'm just curious.