Watch out: crackpots about

The lovely Kate, our new amanuensis, just sent me a message headed: You think maybe these people have too much time on their hands?

A research company has been paid to find out which biscuit is most likely to cause an injury during a tea or coffee break.

The answer was the custard cream, which besides tasting disgusting can now rather aggressively claim to be the UK's most dangerous snack based on something called the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.

The research was carried out by Mindlab International for a chocolate biscuit bar maker whose Marketing Director rightly calculated that something so utterly stupid couldn't fail to make news.

It seems an amazing number of "biscuit-related injuries" are treated by doctors each year.

The catalogue of disasters brings tears to the eye - which is where some people like to poke themselves with their chosen biscuit.

Others fall off chairs while reaching for the tin, get burnt after dunking biscuits in scalding tea, and even get hit by flying fragments.

Still yet others choke on crumbs or damage a tooth or filling on a hard biscuit. One poor soul got stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.

Legendary research "icon" Dr. Theophilus Q. Groat explained how the project came about.

"We're all off our bleeding heads on drugs here. Would any sane person do this for a living? But I was over-qualified for my last job of cleaning Glasgow lavatory seats with my tongue, and this seemed more of challenge."

Our Man Inside Downing Street says that Dr. Groat is about to be "tasked" with the role of Snack Czar by the Mighty Toad. He will be working in harness with a steering committee at OfTwat composed of union leaders who think strikes will help the economy.