Corporate bollocks Down Under. And who, pray, pays your wages? Plus a good Kelvin McKenzie joke

Kim Williams: "I bore for Murdoch"

More years ago than I care to remember a big cheese at American Express came into our offices in 20, Soho Square to give us - rapt and breathless with excitement, oh yes - a presentation.

Since they were one of our larger accounts and I was in charge, I had to attend.

Those were the days before Death by Powerpoint, but given enough charts senior executives were pretty good at talking dreary corporate rubbish and my client did not fail to sink to the occasion.

He explained at some length with as much jargon as he could reasonably manage that the firm was going to reorganise itself around the Cardmember, which is Amex-speak for their customers.

The client was a friend, and no fool with a good sense of humour. He went on to run BUPA the big private health firm.

As I shepherded him out of our office afterwards I said, "So you're organising things around the Cardmembers, eh, Rog. Where else did you all think the money comes from?"

I was reminded of this when I just read a turgid statement from Australia, reading as follows.

Newly appointed News Limited chief executive Kim Williams has projected the business will become "one united company" under his leadership. 

According to a report in The Australian, Williams sent an email to staff that demonstrated a very customer centric view of his vision for the company. 

Williams said News Limited is entering an ongoing transformation program , moving into "a remarkable era which will reflect renewed energetic devotion to our customers with continuing commitment to innovation in the diverse products we produce.

"I have been developing this program with the executive team in order to respond in a connected, appropriate, fashion to the incredibly competitive, rapidly changing world in which we all live." 

According to The Australian, Williams said the business strategy will be confirmed in the coming weeks and will include "structural changes, clearly defined business goals and commercial targets, a practical set of company values, and a substantial transformation in our systems and behaviours." 

In line with Williams' focus on the customer he said to staff: "The key to our ongoing success will be seen in ensuring every one of us puts customers at the heart of everything we do.

"For our editorial teams, this means our consumers. For our sales teams, our advertisers, and for support functions like HR and IT, it means for our own people."

Williams acknowledged that he had a large challenge to confront, concluding with the statement: "Frankly I wouldn't swap this role or the challenges it provides for anything else!"

I should say that every time I read the expression "customer centric" I feel like throwing up, but all in all I think we can say that now silly cliché was left out of that load of old tripe. By the sound of it, our Kim believes in leadership by boredom.

This reminds me of a time when at short notice I was asked to present some awards in London. Sitting next to me was Kelvin McKenzie, former editor of The Sun who was giving the main speech. He stood up and told the audience that he had prepared two speeches, and we could choose which one we wanted to hear.

One was "A view of the future for Digital Radio" and the other was "Let's pour a bucket of shit over Janet Street-Porter."

Much more fun than Kim Williams.

A week or so late for the great man's birthday ... this seems appropriate

With thanks to Peter Hobday, the Subscription Strategy Wizard.

At the risk of boring you, this is what is happening to your future

In one of my helpful marketing ideas I quote the French Artist, Writer and Film Director Jean Cocteau who once began a speech by saying, "I have said this many times before, but nobody listened, so I will say it again."

I have been saying for a long time that what politicians on both sides of the Atlantic are doing is short-sighted madness. Last week while she who loves to shop with friends was on a nostalgic trip down the King's Road I spent a little time resting in the Chelsea Library, a haven I love.

In there I read The Spectator which has some comments about what it calls "perhaps the biggest financial gamble in British economic history."

They refer to the fact that the little gnomes at the Bank of England are busy printing another £50 billion. Their contributor Bill Jamieson believes Quantitative Easing has pulled Britain into a Zero Era: low interest rates, low growth and low employment.

The price is to be paid by savers, pensioners and consumers. "This is not scrutinised because Sir Mervyn King is seen as being above politics, and his great gamble comes with a long and boring name."

Nassim Taleb, the author of 'Black Swan' whose admirers include David Cameron, has a few choice words for the government: Osborne's five-year plans are 'bulls**t', debt-fuelled growth is 'a Ponzi scheme' and QE is 'a transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich.'

Mr. Taleb is careful to say that he remains an admirer of Cameron. I wonder why.

By the way, if you want to see a very good film, go and get Beauty and the Beast by Cocteau. Then when you've watched that there is a newly remastered version of Les Enfants du Paradis - Children of Paradise, a wonderful film made in the last days of the German Occupation.

How I have loved my time in France!

What goes around comes around. Why GroupOn is the kiss of death - or something damn close

About 1,100 years ago, a little before my time, this country was ravaged by Vikings who would sail over from Scandinavia each spring and rove around burning, looting, killing, raping, enslaving and generally having a good time.

The inhabitants, whose ancestors had done much the same thing after the Romans left 300 years previously, used to pay Danegeld - bribes to keep the villains away. This had little effect, other than encouraging the Vikings to demand more and more money each season. 

This went on until the locals finally fought back and what eventually because England started to emerge

70-odd years ago when I was an infant, the newspaper industry engaged in a ruinous promotional war, with huge give-aways to attract subscribers.

I have to admit I wasn't paying much attention but before they all came to their senses and stopped, some nearly went broke. I read somewhere that one paper was giving away complete sets of Encyclopaedias to attract subscribers.

About 30 years ago when I was paying attention, the Ogilvy Centre for Research in San Francisco was engaged in a joint project with the late Professor Andrew Ehrenberg and colleagues, at that time with the London Business School. It was called PIMS, and stood for Profit Impact of Marketing Strategies and was conducted among (if memory serves) some 200 large firms in the U.S. and Europe.

What they discovered was that on average the 25% of firms that spent most on discounting and least on advertising were half as profitable as those that did the opposite. 

This does not mean you should never discount and put all your money into advertising. Proctor & Gamble have upped their advertising spend by (I think) 24% in the last two years and their profits have taken a terrible hit. 

However I have always said that you should generally incentivise sparingly. Incentives are like crack cocaine. Firms get addicted and can't get off them. They also end up telling shocking lies. For one of my clients in the home improvements industry - which is largely driven by phoney discounts - my main creative task for years was to invent excuses for the latest wave of money-off deals.

I strongly believe that Groupon in  particular is for the most part only good for Groupon. Ryan Healy has put up an illuminating case history I suggest you read at http://www.ryanhealy.com/better-than-groupon-restaurant-case-study. Just check out how Groupon make their money and ask yourself how you can..

Ryan's stuff is so much better than some of the other stuff I come across.  I just saw something by one man who misquoted David Ogilvy as saying "A huge promise is the soul of an advertisement". In fact Dr. Johnson said "Promise, large promise is the soul of an advertisement" some two centuries before David arrived on the scene.

A little gentle chauvinism for you. Advice from a retired husband

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. 

My name is Paul.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lin.  

When I retired a few  years ago, it became necessary for Lin to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. 

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  

I don't yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the  table.  I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.  I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. 
 
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining,  I  think.   For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. 

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse don’t we? So I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean.  I like to think tact is one of my  strong points.
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.  I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she  may as well make one for me too.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin.  I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will  consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, 

Paul