Just so you know what a dreadful bunch of low-lifes some of my clients are ...

The following glorious piece of bad taste was sent to me by someone we've done the odd job for. I really do sometimes wonder where we find them.

A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along this highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum bag who'd got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying one-eyed porridge wog and Lord Mandelson is a pillow biting old whoopsie.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced dyke. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

And, there we were shaking hands in the middle of the road when a fucking bus hit the pair of us."

If you have the same appalling sense of humour as my old client, pay on time, and need better results and good advice without being financially raped in the process, e-mail me at drayton@draytonbird.com. We should get on well.

This seductive invitation is limited by time as I am unbelievably old, and stringently limited by number (just four clients wanted) as I am involved in everything we do and very busy**.

Of course, you may conclude that I'm not too bright, as I mentioned this golden opportunity casually the other day but failed to stick in my email address - but if you go to www.draytonbird.com you'll find lots of testimonials, many of which I didn't write myself.

** Busy doing what? Putting the final touches to Commonsense Marketing - but I have this rather old-fashioned idea that I should not just pontificate but work on real stuff every day.

File under "fancy that" - news from the planet jargon

Want to see the trivial exalted to the point of lunacy? Read this:

"Your business card is a vital part of your brand armoury. It has to do both an instant job in telling your new potential life-changing encounter about you, how you can make a difference, and ideally any future aspirations - and also be a legacy item, to live on without you, weeks, months and even years after the encounter." - Andy Green, "Effective Personal Communications".

Life-changing? Legacy item? Calm down, dear, don't get too excited. It's a little piece of card, not a heavenly visitation.

After which eruption of super-jargon, back to the real world of marketing. Being unable to deliver any life changing encounters and very busy spreading the Gospel, this year I only want 4 new serious clients.

If you want results without the hassle, and with a fair few laughs let me know what ails you. We're not too hot on the business card front, though.