In India they do things differently ...

Here's a story for you from India, in case you're wondering why daily applications of Lynx haven't done the trick.

It was headed, Man sues Axe, as unable to get girl

A 26-year-old man has filed a case against Hindustan Unilever, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’.

The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements (it's essentially an Indian version of Lynx, sold in the U.K.) suggest that it helps men instantly attract women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

He espressed his unhappiness with touching directness.

"Where the fuck is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!”

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.”

I sympathise. I have been taking internet courses that swear I'll make millions in my sleep for years now - but here I am, still penned up in my little Chelsea flat, still going to work every day. Where the fuck is my yacht?