http://www.redneckbank.com/
My friend George Machun, pillar of San Francisco State University sent it to me - and it's a a real bank.
Check it out. I've seen many banks try to seem human - and nearly all have failed - some, like Barclays, miserably.
But this is excellent. I hope they do well.
Make sure you click on the horse's head.
This morning I read this from the late Adolf Hitler, patron saint of the BNP.
"The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence".
The Lost Sporran is not an evil man, like Hitler. His perpetual and constant weapon has been regularly falsifying the evidence. His big weakness is that he cannot distinguish - nor can most of our politicians - between what matters and what doesn't. And of course he is quite mad.
Last night, at a time when even the dogs in the streets realise he's a complete tosser, he said "If I didn't think I was the right man for the job, I wouldn't be here."
This is not an argument, you great spavined oaf.
I've had hundreds of people apply to me for jobs over the years. They all said they were the right people for the job. Why should that interest me? I wanted to know what hardly any of them explained: why they were the right people for the job.
Destroying the British economy when you're supposed to be its custodian does not make you the right man for the job.
Falsely claiming you're prudent when you're pissing money away by the billion does not make you the right man for the job.
Helping the Bliar get us into a pointless war does not make you the right man for his job.
Withholding money for equipment that would save soldiers' lives does not make you the right man for the job.
Making it a better deal for people to draw unemployment pay than work does not make you the right man for the job.
Imagining that making the grossly overrated Alan Sugar as "enterprise tsar" will achieve anything is just pathetic - and doesn't make you the right man for the job.
What is wrong with this government and the last, and will probably be wrong with the next is politicians' total inability to understand what ordinary people care about, or distinguish between hot air and action - leading to a criminal misdirection of resources.
For instance, if anyone wonders why more people are voting for the BNP, consider this. Gordon Brown has been responsible for employing many hundreds of thousands of public servants. This was an act of low cunning - people who depend on the government for their jobs tend to vote labour.
These poor souls are constantly under attack after disasters like the torture and slaughter of the two students we have been reading about, or the unspeakably appalling case of baby P.
Why do they fail? Not through bad intentions.
It is because instead of being told to be helpful - what servants are for - they spend far too much time filling in forms, trying to meet "targets" and following the asinine prescriptions of the politically correct. This is true of them all. Teachers. Police. Social workers. Even the fire brigade.
Take this "target" nonsense. The other day I heard about a seminar on How to recruit and retain a diverse workforce in the Fire and Rescue Services. This was described as "vitally important", because "women, black and minority ethnic groups and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are all vastly underrepresented in the service".
Here's your starter for one. Which is more important? Putting out fires? Saving lives? Or having a posse of drag queens waving their limp little hoses around the neighbourhood?
And what do you think the average man in Sheffield thinks about that sort of thing? Could it be he thinks his money is being pissed down the drain, and he'd be better off voting for Nazi-Lite?
But don't blame the Toad alone. He has an excellent supporting cast. I couldn't help laughing at all the parliamentary crooks who, caught with their hands in the till, came out with that glorious one-liner "I made an honest mistake."
Quite so. You got caught.
Funniest quote of the week, by the way: Tony Wright M.P. speaking from Planet Loon called Brown "a towering figure who has brought the world through the worst financial crisis for 60 years".
What other miracles does he do, Tony? Fart through his ears?
Oh, and by the way, you great looby, for the rest of us there is still a financial crisis. Your man did a lot to put us in it and most of the things he's done to get us out (see Lloyds Bank etc.) haven't helped that much.
As I said, I'm writing a book - and now, it turns out, doing some Masterclasses - on marketing for the legal profession.
Thank you to everyone who offered help. I hope you all got my replies, which brings me to today's howl of outrage.
A lot of people in marketing would like to think that theirs, too, is a profession. But so many are such criminally useless twats that it's hard to see it happening.
Take a man called Henry Cazalet who keeps on e-mailing me about SMS marketing. His e-mails are actually pretty good. So much so I have replied three times, because I'm interested.
Yes, friends. I'm a real live prospect - or was.
Has he replied? Not a bloody chance. He hasn't even answered two messages asking why he doesn't reply. And it's not as if he's using one of those spew-it-out-and-hope-it-lands machines.
How does he survive? I'll tell you. Because when you've got something people are really interested in, you don't need decent marketing. Just look at the shit run by computer and mobile telephone firms.***
But others, who have nothing to offer except personal prejudice, will not do as well. A typical example is a person I've been dealing with who, untroubled by false modesty, cheerfully rewrites my copy and rearranges layouts done by the best art director in this country, based on nothing more substantial than opinion.
It reminds me of Sergio Zyman's response when his boss at Coca Cola said he didn't like his proposed ads (some of which are still running after 16 years). "Roberto, if you personally buy every bottle of Coke sold all over the world for the next year, we'll run the ads you like. Otherwise ..."
After half a century studying and trying to get it right, I think I have a vague idea of what I'm doing - I have maybe a 2% flop rate. And my art director with whom I've worked on and off for 30 years is better than me, because he can write copy but I can't draw.
But there we are: this is not a profession like the law where people follow precedent; it's a trade infested with amateurs.
*** But nothing compares with those crass Aviva TV ads. The direst moment must be the factory worker who says "I am not a target market". You can just see someone from Wigan saying that, right?
The semi-literate fuckwits who come out with that garbage don't realise is that out there is a real world full of real people who have better things to do than talk shit about proactive this, strategic that and say "concept" when they mean some tiny idea a fucking hamster could have thought up.
Mind you, they'd do well in parliament.
London is afflicted with a plague of free papers - one in the morning, two in the evening. This has slaughtered the Evening Standard, which has always been a pretty good read.
Its prospects were so disastrous that the owners gave it away to a crazy Russian, who then pissed away a small fortune on some of the worst newspaper advertising I can recall. That's a shame, because the revamped paper is pretty good - but not good enough to survive in my view.
Having said that, they do print some rum stuff. Tearing myself away from an article about what a total shit Martin Amis is - takes after his father - I read that Thieving Bloato is going to get rid of his even more crooked henchman Darling and replace him with Ed Ballsup, another crook.
But my eyes stood out like chapel hat-pegs when I saw some maniac leader writer in The Standard describe this smarmy wretch as "capable" minister."
What have you been smoking, duckie? The only three things this smug twat has shown himself good at are: 1) Advising the Toad on "economic strategy" to such fine effect that the two of them managed to fuck up the entire economy for decades to come 2) fucking up all the school examinations at astounding expense and then saying it was nothing to with him 3) Stealing lots of dosh with his fragrant spouse Yvette - the only sign of ability I can see.
A smoked haddock would probably do a better job as Chancellor than him. Lock him up with the others.
I read this morning a funny piece about a crook called Keith Vaz.
("Crook" is a euphemism often used here when we mean "Member of Parliament").
Anyhow, the reptile Vaz, who ripped us all off for over £75,500 for a flat in Westminster although his home is a £1.15 million house 12 miles from Parliament, was shooting his mouth off about knife crime - probably in the hope people might forget his own crime.
This made a pleasant change, though, because Vaz's normal racket is race relations. But in this case he was deploring the way the courts don't send kids who get caught with knives to jail. "Jacqui" Smith the porky wag posing as a Home Secretary responded - as you would expect - with a lie, saying that "through tougher sentencing we are carrying out a clear message".
This was as though the vapid trollop didn't hear what Vaz said, but then it's an old pol's trick to answer a different question to the one asked or simply ignore it.
That being said, first I wondered why all these useless shits speak in cliches - poverty of language indicates poverty of ideas. Then I thought, "Good thinking, Porky! Can I visit you in jail? Will being there for a few weeks 'carry out a message'?"
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