Health and safety warning

When you get to my age you have to keep a close eye on your health.

I think I go to no end of trouble - breathe on a mirror every morning to see if I'm still alive and so on - but my beloved is a bit sceptical about my casual approach.

That is why I am once again having a complete health check tomorrow - which takes a couple of hours and costs far too much money.

It also calls for me to supply faecal samples, suspended in a little plastic capsule of water.

I couldn't believe what I read on the side of the bottle this morning, though. It said "Do not drink contents of bottle".

Well, I like a drink as much as anyone - but really!

The people who write most of these warnings on packages clearly have shit for brains.