"Pump up the volume"

You can't beat a load of old bollocks to cheer me up, friends.

Sheer childlike delight overcame the jet-lag today when I read in the gossip column of Italy's leading newspaper that whoever does these things at Armani had done some subtle retouching to "add more volume to the contents of his knickers" - or as we say here in London, "big up his crown jewels."

Go large, Becks!

Seriously, though, this is a sad comment a) on the falling away of standards in Italy and b) how image has destroyed reality.

There they are, with the most beautiful, sexy women on earth. Couldn't they have got someone to give him a bit of a tickle?