“You cannot be serious” - with apologies to J McEnroe

Just to keep you up to date on what’s happening in the world of great literature ...

If you’re all telling the truth (and subtle motivational research reveals you who read this are almost uncannily honest) there’s what they used to call "a massive pent-up demand" for my 3 webinars on better writing.

But you know what? Demand like that is often so pent-up that a startling percentage of those who say they want to attend a webinar don’t.

So before I dust off the old cane and mortarboard I’ll get back all of you who said “yes” next week, and give you the times.

(Though of course you can watch whenever you like, really).

Just to remind you what the three webinars will cover:

They will chiefly be about writing to persuade - including everything from what to do before you write and how to manage your time to how to get ideas, with advice on better writing from George Orwell.

I will also analyse examples - including some from Bill Jayme, a friend who was long seen as the best direct mail writer in the world. Plus some inferior stuff I banged out myself.

And as always in the weird and wacky world of marketing, there'll be an excruciatingly good incentive if I can think of one.

Who else wants to write better - or knows people who do? Friday's response thrilled me to bits (with a couple of surprises)

If you follow all these disjointed ramblings you know I vented a little spleen last week about an e-mail I got, and said I would run a series of webinars on better writing.

Three things happened. First, a surprising number of people said they'd be interested, including one of the best copywriters I know. Second, the man whose firm ran the copy sent a very temperate comment whilst lolling in his second home in Italy - paid for by such seminars. And third, one of my heroes, Denny Hatch, sent a congratulatory note

Well, thank you to everyone who replied - and what can we learn from this?

1. Many people realise that bad writing holds back careers, plays havoc and bedevils business.

2. The people who want to improve are often the people who are good already. The useless carry on regardless. So, the good get better and the bad fall further behind.

3. Quality matters more than technique. If what you offer is appealing even bad writing, within reason, won't kill it as long as the benefits are clearly described, which they were in this case.

A delightful story was told by the great cartoonist and writer Thurber about the eccentric editor of the New Yorker magazine, Harold Ross.

Ross was a gloomy nit-picker, hardly ever satisfied, and with little apparent sense of humour. On the rare occasion when he saw a contribution he liked he would murmur, "I am encouraged to go on."

Well, I am encouraged to go on - I have a few other subjects that may interest you like positioning, fund-raising, briefing, research and testing, brand building, how to present, how to be a good creative director, creative analysis and so on.

Let me know if any of those sound interesting, please - or if you have any other suggestions.

I will now prepare the better writing webinars. They will chiefly be concerned with writing to persuade - but cover everything from what to do before you write and how to manage your time to how to get ideas, with advice on better writing from George Orwell and much more.

So if more of you are interested, let me know that too.

Is this gibberish REALLY how to communicate? Hard to believe – and I have a suggestion

Do you feel successful? I don't.

Yes, I have moments of euphoria, usually after I’ve written something pretty good – but it’s not long before I decide I’m useless.

So I read about a seminar in “power talking” and “communication skills” with great interest - especially when it said that 80% of people fail at work because they don’t “relate well” to other people ...“a clear case of failed communication”.
.
Well, the seminar was cheap, the course leader is practically a genius – “multi skilled as an Occupational Psychologist, Executive Mentor, Presenter and Counsellor” - and the subject is highly relevant.

But the copy put me off. As far as I or anyone else who cares for the English language might be concerned it was indeed a case of failed communication. It had more clichés and jargon in it than a politician’s speech.

I was promised “user-friendly, high-level skills” and “solution-focused communication techniques”. There was obsessive use of expressions based on the word “impact” – “impacts on”, “impactful”, “high-impact” and “positive impact”. And naturally that shop-soiled word "engage" popped up (why not "intrigue" or "interest"?)

If that's how people who teach communication write, it explains a lot of the mindless tripe we all have to plough though - in documents, on the internet, in meetings: everywhere.

Every day you are trying to get colleagues, bosses, customers – maybe family – to do what you want. Whether you like it or not, life is one long sales pitch – and most of that selling is done in writing.

So how do you avoid boring the hell out of people? How do you write well? It really matters, as two old colleagues, Ken Roman and Joel Raphaelson, revealed in their splendid book “Writing that Works”.

It seems that when the Chief Executives of top U.S. firms were asked what they would most like to change in business, the majority pleaded: “Can someone please teach people to write better?”

Now if you’re wondering where all this has been leading, let me ask you a question.

Would you or your colleagues be interested in three short webinars on how to write better? I have been teaching this for nearly 30 years, and my normal rate is £5,000 per day. But if enough of you are interested I will do them for £39 each.

In my time I’ve written books, scripts, articles, ads, brochures, presentations, speeches, emails, editorials – you name it – and got paid for them all. I’ll tell you what I’ve learned.

The last time I did a seminar on this subject it was for the world's largest conference organisers. People said the were "inspired". I can't guarantee such giddy heights of joy, but I think you'll find it worth it.

Can you take a second to email me and say if this interests you? Just write saying yes or no to Drayton@draytonbird.com.

Thanks!

The steep and slippery slope to commercial damnation – or, are Dell slowly destroying their brand?

This is Lester Wunderman – who coined the phrase “direct marketing” – and to whom I almost sold my agency.

A few years ago he and I sat on an American Express committee which met in exotic places to discuss their creative work.

Lester said little, but it was always relevant. As you might expect, I said a lot and hoped some was relevant.

I have never forgotten one thing he said when we were discussing discounts at a meeting in Kyoto. “You are training your customers to expect bribes.”

This struck me because I had already seen impeccable research by Professor Ehrenburg and Alex Biehl of the Ogilvy Centre for Research proving that those firms which advertise most and promote least are infinitely more profitable than those who do the opposite.

By promote, I mean giving things away in exchange for sales.

When you keep discounting, you are not just training people to expect bribes; you are telling them “what we offer is not good enough to sell on its merits.” You are degrading your brand.**

Which brands have demonstrated this best over the last 30 years? People like General Motors, Ford and Chrysler. All ended up in deep doo-doo.

Which brand has been losing share - and may commit slow hara-kiri if it doesn’t change its approach? Dell.

Every single message I get from them offers a deal, which over time implies that their products are not good enough to sell on their merits.

Moreover, there is no attempt to speak to me as an individual. This says they don’t care about me - another subject worth your consideration.

Fortunately for Dell most of the other computer firms have not been that good at marketing: product innovation has always driven this industry. But this will change. And Dell is worried: they've just abandoned their sell-direct model and done a deal with Best Buy, the biggest U.S. dealer.

In some markets discounting is part of the scenery. One of our clients is in such a market. They are succeeding because they are simultaneously running commercials to promote their brand.

What is the solution?

If you have to discount, always say something that strengthens your brand. Explain how what you do is better than what others do. Don’t just focus on the discount.

Also, keep doing brand advertising as much as you can; and measure your results, not just in sales or enquiries, but in attitudes to your brand.

** Nearly all the "I'll make you rich by next Tuesday" internet scamsters constantly offer unbelievable discounts. They don't give a hoot about building a brand, any more than Bernie Madoff did, as they don't plan to stick around, but their approach hardly builds credibility.

Sexist? Moi?

I plead not guilty but amused, Your Honour.

A friend sent me this, which he claims is a BMW used car ad from Germany.

I think I've seen it before, but somehow doubt it's the real thing. Would they run the copy in English, anyhow?

So I bet it's a spoof. But my friend doesn't care. He says he wants a test drive.

The paradox is that many men are quite bothered about previous ownership, whereas women are enormously attracted to shop-soiled males.