More on marketing buffoonery from the entirely wonderful Tom Fishburne

Few people comment more perceptively or hilariously than Tom Fishburne on the assorted lunacies of marketing.

One, of course, is that promotions are a quick fix - but, like cocaine, a long-term killer - with one exception, which I shall come to in a moment.

Another is that all you need is a website - and away you go. The fact is that most websites suffer from two dire diseases.

First, people don't give enough thought to how they get people to their website in the first place. That is why I have persuaded Bradley Long to analyse and give five pieces of personalised free advice on SEO to every EADIM attendee.

The other is that once they've got people there they do damn-all with them. They don't find anything about them. They don't do anything to keep them there longer. They don't harvest names. They don't do tests. Often they don't follow them up. And even when they do, they don't persist for long enough.

That is why I've got Ben Hunt to come to EADIM http://directmarketingcourse.com/, discuss what ails your website and reveal the seven deadly website sins. In fact we have a whole day devoted to how you can do better online.

But enough of this sales talk. You are surely the exception to these rules, and torrents of people are flooding into your site, staying for hours at a time and buying by the bucket-full.

Anyhow, here's the answer to the question I posed just now.

The only time promotion doesn't kill your brand is when everyone else is relying on it too. Then you must do two things.

1. Come up with better promotions than the competition.

2. Do something to build your brand.

One of our clients is doing that with record results in this depression. If you're interested, we'll touch on that, too, at EADIM http://directmarketingcourse.com/

By the way, don't run away with the idea that I do everything right myself. I don't.

I kid myself I am an example of the tailor being the worst-dressed man in the room. On balance, though I fear I am best placed somewhere between the absent-minded scientist and the village idiot.

How jargon (with a dash of political correctness) killed a nice man

Last year I did a talk to some Syracuse University students about Ethics in Advertising.

Quite a challenge. I had to start by confessing to having done a few things in my time that I am ashamed of, but then told a true story about how bad advertising killed a good man.

And now it seems that jargon can have much the same effect

If you read my witterings you know that I hate jargon. I often quote Confucius who said that if he had the power to do anything he would ensure that language was used correctly,

"Because if language is not used correctly, what is said is not what is meant; that which should be done is left undone; justice and morals are led astray; and the people stand around in helpless confusion."

This seems to pretty well sum up what is happening in our society except that in the places where I live and work the people are often drunk as well as being confused.

Well, yesterday I read how poor use of language - jargon, to be exact - killed one of my neighbours. I didn't know the victim, but one of my two best friends says he was, besides being very able, a very nice man.

Let me tell you the story in case you haven't heard it. The man in question was a brilliant lawyer called Mark Saunders who lived near me in Chelsea, and last year he was surrounded by a small army of 59 police including a number of trained marksmen and shot dead.

This happened because he was out of his head after ingesting an alarming combination of Prozac, Cocaine and booze and aimed a few rather haphazard shots with a shotgun out of his window.

The question is, why was he killed? He need not have been. Any one of these highly trained marksmen could have wounded him, but seven aimed to kill, and succeeded almost simultaneously.

It is not quite clear who was in charge of this sad business, but it seems a corrupt copper called Ali Dizaei (promoted to a very high level, no doubt for reasons of political correctness) had muscled in and taken over.

But the main reason for the tragedy is that no-one knew quite what they should be doing. It seems police have to wade through over 300 pages of badly written waffle in at least six different manuals to know what to do in these circumstances.

Compare this with the way in 1940 Churchill asked the head of the Admiralty to "write down on one side of a sheet of paper what the Royal Navy is doing to prepare for war

The coroner - whose job it is to determine why people die on these occasions - suggested police be told what to do in "simple, unsophisticated language thereby minimising jargon – indeed, encouraging more common sense rather than slavish adherence to written documents and protocols."

I realise that many people who attend business meetings may feel like killing themselves as a result of the dreary tripe they have to listen to, but so far nobody's had to call the police in.

Just as well.

Yack-fest reveals Clabeaux's secrets - and a little something from Bangkok for you

Did I mention Dave Clabeaux to you before?

He's the guy who with his partner Ben Moskel runs an affiliate marketing business off a kitchen table that turns over something in excess of a million a year.

(Folk claim they've bought a desk, but I don't believe they're that extravagant.)

Well, yesterday we had a bit of a yack-fest over the phone to find out how the heck they do it. You can listen to his pearls of wisdom and my bad jokes here.

Also yesterday I got a message from old friend and client Paul Leadbitter who is running around the Far East dispensing wisdom to a big financial services firm. Just to liven up proceedings I did a 4 minute video for his audience.

I was talking about the relationship between online and offline marketing. It's here - and you may find it interesting.

He is in Bangkok today, which reminds me that many years ago I was giving a talk to agency people in that fair city, in which I suggested a recipe for success.

"All you have to do is think of three ideas each morning for any of your clients, then ring them up and tell them. You will be hugely successful."

One of my audience said, "That doesn't sound easy."

"I didn't say it was easy. But it is bloody simple," I replied.

When you listen to Dave you will realise that, yes, you can make a lot of money with no product and no list.

Internet frauds will tell you it's easy. It isn't. But as Dave reveals, it is simple.

To hear the full story, you need to be at EADIM, of course

What you can learn from how to sell a brick

A few weeks back I went to New York to interview "the world's greatest salesman".

His name is Todd Herman and he's the guy on the left.

The guy on the right has done even better. He's Mark Zuckerberg. Yes; the Facebook man.

Todd won a contest run by my old agency, OgilvyOne. His challenge was to sell a brick.

After winning the contest Todd was whisked off to Cannes by the Ogilvy people, where he was quite a celebrity. So much so that Mark Z came up to him and said, "Aren't you the guy that's the world's greatest salesman?"

Todd bashfully confessed to this, then reverted to type. "Why don't you buy me a drink?" And Mark did.

You can see how Todd sells bricks here - and yes, he got people to part with good money http://www.youtube.com/watchv=DYnazMDvGsI

There is a great lesson- especially for copywriters - in that little clip. Don't sell the thing. Sell the dream. And the best dream to sell is the dream people have of themselves

It turns out that Todd's a successful internet marketer and quite a few big firms (especially ad agencies) could learn a lot from his website, as you will see if you go http://www.thepeakathlete.com.

In short, he's pretty smart.

I like to think that's because - so he told me - he's been studying me for years.

But you know these super-salesmen: they are masters at the gentle art of flattery.

Which brings me to my next amazing trick. Tonight I'll be interviewing Dave Clabeaux who, with his partner Ben Moskel, turns over something in excess of a million a year as an affiliate marketer.

Their business is admirably simple - run from a kitchen table.

So why aren't we all doing that well? That's one thing I'll be asking him. Watch this space for news of when you can hear the interview.

Don't have your copy written by a speak-your-weight-machine

My old friend Glenmore sent me something interesting today, as he often does, about a campaign aimed at "40-plus" women.

After making sure this referred to age not measurements - you never know, do you? - I went to see more.

I read a message from the excellent Patti Boulaye saying that "a wonderful woman Caryn Franklyn is trying to fight the battle of ageism in the fashion and media industry" and has convinced Debenhams to "lead the way"

It is many years since Debenhams led the way in anything, and certainly no battle. So being translated I suppose this means they scent the possibility of making a few quid.

But they are pushing at an open door. M & S started using Twiggy years ago with much the same thinking in mind.

And what a shame Debenhams ruined it so comprehensively with copy opening in the following crass way:

"As a department store we pride ourselves on offering a great range of clothing for all ages. That's why we've launched an incredible new project called The Style List, in partnership with fashion expert Caryn Franklin."

Is that really the way your customers speak, Debenhams? Is it really "incredible"? "Utterly predictable" would be more like it.

The other week I heard that agencies have found a new way of extracting money from clients by helping them with their "brand conversations" - jargon, I guess, for how to speak to their customers.

On the evidence of this, there is a big market out there. Now I think of it, we did some work for one of Sir Philip Green's store chains a while back to help them in this.

I advise these folk to bear in mind the motto of perhaps the greatest retailer of the 20th century, Julius Rosenwald of Sears, who said "My ambition is to stand on both sides of the counter at once".

And I recall that Feargal Quinn who built up Ireland's best supermarket chain by attending to customer service used to spend much of his time in the stores watching customers.

You won't learn much sitting in meetings talking rubbish about social media, believe me. Watch the customers. Talk to the customers. They are the only profit centre. They will tell you.