This just made me laugh
It's from The Oldie - a mag for old lags like me. Always full of good stuff.
Friday, 30 January 2009
So what's your value proposition, pal?
Lo, and it comes to pass that every now and then, emerging from the endless swamps of the Lost Kingdom of Marketing Jargon, the Anointed High Priest of Pointless Bollocks brings forth a new Sacred Morsel of Bullshit.
And, yea, the Marketing Drones genuflect before it, for it maketh the blindingly simple seem complex and justifieth their Monthly Stipends.
Well, perhaps my favourite definition of marketing is "Give the buggers what they want and you'll do OK". So I have been working recently (and still am) on Value Propositions for two different clients in two countries selling two utterly different things to entirely different types of people.
The Value Proposition, for you unenlightened heretics out there who want to trot it out to impress the dozy and gullible at dreary meetings, tells your prospects what they get for their money.
Stirred up by this thought I have been wondering what my Value Proposition is compared to all the teeming multitude of Marketing Gurus out there whose number multiplieth every week like unto that of rabbits in Queensland.
How the hell have I survived for so long? I don't pretend to tell you how to get rich almost effortlessly by following my secret launch formula; I don't guarantee to turn you into an "A-list" copywriter whose every well-turned phrase daily stuns and delights your lucrative and generous clients; I don't specialise in any area at all. Not dodgy health products; not investment advice; not anything, really.
Essentially, if you want to flog just about anything, I'm your man.
This week - besides the aforementioned value propositions - I've been writing about models people can collect, two different types of property investment - one for the absurdly rich, another for the ordinary Joe - a new book on divorce, temporary buildings, martial arts courses, holidays, a painter of abstract art and the occasional portrait - and two new marketing services I'm involved in. I've been writing leaflets, letters, scripts for speeches, a brochure and one or two ads. And what is really astonishing is that pretty much everything I bang out seems to work. It really is very odd.
But there is one other thing I'm playing round with that you might like, dear reader, when I get round to offering it. You might call it Everything you need to know about selling almost anything to anyone anywhere in a series of easy to follow and sometimes funny e-books and videos.
Would that interest you? It won't cost you $5,000 to stay in a secret location in the Mojave desert and be lectured by 5 legendary internet masterminds who were cleaning toilets till they discovered the secret formula for attracting millions. It will just be good value, no miracles.
While you're thinking about that, you might find what follows, prompted by one of my current tasks, as funny as I do. If not, you're in the wrong place. It was sent to me by my son Nick, the world's best imitation Paul McCartney. That's his value proposition - and that's him at the top. And here's the URL to visit for a laugh. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=klS92A8YzfY&feature=related
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Darling, what’s all this “we” shit about?
This morning I read that the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alastair Darling says that though we face the worst recession of all developed countries we will pull through.
It reminded me of an old radio serial featuring The Lone Ranger and his faithful sidekick, Tonto, a Red Indian in those days, but now, as the PC hordes say, a Native American.
The dialogue went:
Lone Ranger: Comanche ahead of us! Apache behind us! Cheyenne on that side! Sioux on the other! What do we do, Tonto?
Tonto: What’s with all this “we” shit, paleface?
So, Alastair, what’s with all this “we” shit?
YOU will pull though with your index-linked pension. The Great Bloated Haggis will pull through with his index-linked pension. But we will be paying the bill for your fuck-ups for decades.
Come to think of it, I’d almost forgotten how the Haggis halved the value of my pension.
He taxed the shit out of it to pay for all those brilliant initiatives - as in Iraq, Afghanistan and "let’s hire lots more gay, lesbian and transgendered activity-coordinators who’ll vote for us". Maybe they get index-linked pensions, too.
The truth is, this country is divided between the ponces – the people who create nothing and wouldn’t know how to – and the rest of us.
The rest of us are seriously pissed off.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
The curse of waffle - an Indian perspective
Has this ever happened to you?
It happens to me all the time - and did again today.
Somebody suggested I approach a possible client, so I went first to their website.
For the life of me I couldn't understand what they do. I could see vaguely who they were selling to, but how exactly they were going to help - what precisely they do - was utterly unclear.
There were just a lot of fancy words like "innovative solutions", "state of the art" and "cutting edge".
I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I imagine many of their prospects are equally thick.
So how many times do you go onto a website and utterly fail to understand what the hell they are selling?
This comes to mind because of a message I got recently from an old friend. I first met him in 1987 when I went to India to help set up O & M Direct, which was about the first proper direct marketing agency there.
It was David Ogilvy's idea that I go, and it led to one of the best experiences I have ever had. I made some wonderful friends, including R. Sridhar, who was in charge of the new venture and whose rather earnest picture is above.
We've kept in touch, and he sent me this dialogue.
“Good morning!”
I heard the familiar voice and I knew it was Prasna Rao.
“Morning Prasna. Where were you all these days?”
“Remember, I am the one who asks questions.”
“Ok, please ask your question then.”
“Remember the Ogilvy party you attended last month?”
“Yes, it was nice.”
“Remember you met several old friends and a few who you did not know?”
“I do.”
“They asked you a simple question and you failed miserably in answering it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, the question was: ‘What do you do?’ I am going to ask you that question now. So, what do you do?”
“I am a consultant.”
“That is what you are, but it does not answer the question. So, what do you do?”
“I am an Innovation Coach.”
“That sounds very fancy, but what do you do?”
“I am in the Corporate Creativity and Innovation Domain.”
“Pompous but useless. What do you do Sridhar?”
“I run IDEAS-RS, a professional consulting firm.”
“Says nothing. What do you do?”
“Prasna, do you have to take yourself so seriously?”
“Yes, especially when you sound so bad. Let me explain. When people ask you the question ‘What do you do’, you can convert that into an excellent conversation starter or make it a dead end. All your answers so far are dead end answers. So let us try again. What do you do?”
“I am stuck. Give me some help Prasna. How do I tackle this?”
“Ok. Try filling the blanks in these three sentences:
‘I’m a ________(descriptor/designation/profession). I help _______ (people/clients) who want to ______ (benefit)’
‘I work with _______(people/clients) who want to ________ (benefit)
‘I’m like a ________ (descriptor/metaphor). I specialise in helping __________ (people/clients) __________ (benefits)’
“You think this will work?”
“Why don’t you try first?”
“I’m an Innovation Coach. I help my clients who want to get out of habitual thinking and open their minds to fresh new ideas.’
“Can you make it tighter. Say it aloud. Shorten the second half of your answer.”
‘I’m an Innovation Coach. I help clients who want to get rid of mental blocks.”
“Sounds better. Let us try the other two. What do you do?”
“I work with clients who want to get new ideas for business growth.”
“I work with clients who want to develop new product ideas.”
“I work with ambitious clients who want to achieve impossible goals.”
“You are getting it Sridhar. Let us try the last one now. What do you do?”
“I’m like a plumber. I specialise in helping clients remove their mental blocks and facilitate a continuous flow of fresh ideas.”
“I’m like a mental lubricant. I specialise in helping clients overcome their barriers to new ideas”
“I’m like a coach. I specialise in helping clients win in the innovation game.”
‘I’m like a mental broom. I specialise in helping managers remove the cobwebs in their thinking.”
“You are getting better. Do you know why I asked you to do this?”
“No. Why did you ask me to do this?”
“Because you were missing opportunities to share with people some of the interesting things you do.”
“But how will these answers help?”
“In 90% of the cases it will lead the other person to ask ‘How do you do that?’ and opens the door for a dialogue. Unless of course you make that answer pompous and boring. and create a new dead end.”
Sunday, 25 January 2009
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