Sorry, but a good idea is NOT enough

Like most of you, I get a lot of stuff trying to sell me things.

I would cheerfully strangle whoever unleashes those bloody recorded messages just about that time in the late afternoon when I think I really need a drink.

And I would grant full-time unemployment to the people who send me messages about how to manage disgruntled employees - because they wouldn't be disgruntled if they were managed properly.

But the people I feel sympathy for are those who get it almost right - like the case on the left.

Whoever it is (and I have no idea - giving me a clue would be a step in the direction of sanity) had a neat idea and took some trouble.

As you can see, it's a tiny envelope - visiting card size, handwritten, with my name on it. It jumped the greatest hurdle with ease. It got my attention - which believe me is not easy on a day when I had one important meeting, a webinar to run and an insert to write, plus the usual flood of emails to reply to.

Then what? I open the damn envelope - couldn't ignore it. And got this utterly cryptic message inside. To start with, why the hell would I want over 59 million customers? I assume this is the population of this country, and is some dubious calculation. If so, many of them are either babies, senile, penniless or criminals in jail or the Houses of Parliament. None of them any use, really.

I imagine this is the start of a series of teasers. If so, I will keep you posted ... no pun intended.

When it's party time, an idea for you from a tragic musical failure

Life has a strange way of working.

One of my greatest passions is music. I come from a musical family. I love jazz, opera, classics, R and B, Soul, Blues, even a bit of rap and rock - pretty much everything except "light" music and C & W.

I've seen everyone from Louis Armstrong to Miles Davis to Otis Redding to Kiri te Kanawa and Pavarotti. But one of my personal tragedies was that since the minute I lost that boyish treble my vocal skills have been not unlike that of a corncrake in pain.

Happily, my children have made up for this. I may have mentioned Martina here before. I think she's wandering round the world with Massive Attack right now, but here's another.

The picture at the top is of a group called The Word. The moody one on the left is my son Nick. If you want a party band, they're for you- they do 60's and 70's stuff. If you'd like to hear what they're like, you'll be agreeably surprised at http://thewordpartyband.co.uk/Video.html. I certainly was.

And I was even more surprised when my youngest, who's in New Jersey, told me she's been approached by a record label there. Martina started at 15. Chantal is even younger.

I don't know. My father and two of my uncles were excellent musicans. So was my grandfather. Talent has skipped a generation.

Who is the odd man out - and more important - WHY? Plus a relevant free webinar

My old pal Glenmore sent me this.

One of these people is different from the others in many important respects.

Lord Stevenson: former chairman, HBOS

Sir Fred Goodwin: former chief executive, RBS

Andy Hornby: former chief executive, HBOS

Sir Tom McKillop: former chairman, RBS

John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee

Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor of the Exchequer

Sir Terry Wogan: former presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show

It's not hard to guess that the answer is Sir Terry Wogan.

He's liked. He was excellent at his job. He's honest. He's charming and funny. Everyone missed him when he quit.

But what is REALLY interesting is that he is the only one of this bunch of shits, chancers and no-hopers who holds ANY formal banking qualification.

By the way, I see Cameron's lead over Brown has dwindled to 2 points.

Whilst it is true that Gordon Brown is the most disastrous economic manager I can recall, he is blessed with the worst possible opposition.

Now they have called in M & C Saatchi to solve the problem.

Hmm. I suspect a letter to every household pointing out the economic and social consequences of 13 years of Blair-Brown - and would you like another helping? - might do the trick.

Cameron seems to operate on the basis that every voter is a halfwit. I mean does it really alarm YOU that drunks are going to have to pay more for White Lightning cider? Do I give a shit that he's able to produce a baby if that seems his only productive attribute?

Aren't you a little more concerned that half your likely pension has been stolen and invested in a public sector which has increased by 26% - and still does a shit job?

Aren't you a little more bothered that your household owes £47,000 to pay for the rogues' pensions?

Don't you worry about about the current - and promised spate of strikes? Do you really want a man in charge again who, for sheer blatant dishonesty is only outdone by his immediate predecessor?

Those are the sort of arguments that may, just may, strike a chord. They'll do better than slick ads, I suspect.

Next Wednesday at 3.00 p.m I'll be running a free webinar analysing just such a letter I wrote for John Major's lot, which assumed that voters are not idiots and did the trick.

Advice to a copywriter - from a tired old hack who's still banging it out

I get sent so many questions I'm thinking of becoming an Agony Aunt.

An Aussie copywriter wrote today saying "I have been writing copy for micro business clients, however, in nearly all of the training I have had I have been told that controls for big companies is the way to go to make real money in copywriting.

I just don't know how to go about approaching these big companies, as an unknown, and asking to challenge their controls. Any advice on how to go about it?

Well one thing this man has done right (which most don't) is study. He's been at it for 5 years - in fact I felt almost embarrassed by his list of teachers.

Anyhow, for anyone looking for copy jobs of any kind, here's my advice.

“Make an offer so good only an idiot would refuse” – or words to that effect - said Claude Hopkins.

I have always suggested people offer to do something for nothing – clients don’t pay unless they use it.

But first they must be convinced you’re worth trying.

1. Study the client. See what they are doing and what is working for them.

2. Find out who exactly you should be talking to. Learn something about them.

3. Give them proof – examples of work that did well, testimonials, and results.

4. Send something (be it a letter or an original mailing pack/gimmick*) they cannot ignore.

Make sure you say something relevant to them and to their business and problems. Relevance matters more than cleverness.

44 years ago I got an immediate interview offer from David Ogilvy by sending 5 pieces of work, with results, because that is what he said he liked to see, plus a testimonial from Peter Mayle (now a famous novelist) who had worked for him.

The letter began, if memory serves me right: “Dear Mr. Ogilvy, You have never heard of me, but I have an ability I know you prize. I know how to make people buy things.

I hardly ever see people not because I don’t need anyone but because virtually none send me anything that follows these rules – and most of the stuff on their sites is rubbish.

* Be very careful with gimmicks. People often remember them - but not what you're selling. And NEVER neglect to send a letter.

I'm sorry, I haven't a clue - but I'm not alone

The other day I commented on what I consider two dumb, pretentious slogans: "I am Mercedes" - and "We are Santander."

They remind me of one of Noel Coward's very best lines. He was sitting in the Ivy with friends when the ludicrous actor Chuck Norris came up to his table, saying, "Hi, Mr. Coward, I'm Chuck Norris."

"Of course you are, dear boy," Noel replied, and carried on with his conversation.

Anyhow, just to show that stupid ideas span the generations I put up the picture of the same crappy idea as carried out in the'70's. Actually, it is a better execution, since the face of any Airline is the cabin staff.

But I digress - before I have even got started on what I planned to write about, which is Andrew Anderson, who you may recall I wrote about a while ago.

Andrew said he is going to prove that Twitter really does the business - at least I think he did, because like a lot of other people I haven't a clue. He send me regular messages about what he's doing, and I can see stuff happening twitter-wise - but I still haven't a clue.

So let me tell you my dream.

I want to make Twitter and stuff like that as easy to understand as I can, which is what I tried to do 28 years ago with the first (blessedly short) edition of Commonsense Direct Marketing.

I want to show how these media help do the only three things you have to do to succeed in marketing.

1. Get new customers.

2. Get them to spend more.

3. Get them to stay longer.

I often say my secret weapon is stupidity. If I can understand it, I can explain it - and everyone - even idiots like me - will understand.

That is Andrew's challenge.

"Show me" - as they say in Missouri.