My dancing years with Jimmy Saville and the career I lost – plus a little vulgar commerce

The picture is for overseas readers who don’t know who the hell Jimmy Saville – or rather Sir Jimmy Saville OBE, who died a couple of days ago - was.

He was as you see the epitome of understated good taste and I once had a job interview with him. How my life would have changed if I had ignored his advice!

I first laid eyes and ears on him when I was 19 and used to go dancing every weekday lunch time and on Tuesday evenings at a ballroom in Manchester called The Plaza.

I was a pretty nifty terpsichorean by all accounts. Seven years ago someone I had not seen since those days sent me an email mentioning that people used to copy my moves. I can’t express how much childish delight that gave me – but that’s enough about that.

Jimmy Saville was the new manager at the Plaza, and when the band wasn’t on he used to play records with a commentary. The first time I heard him I turned to a friend and said, “That man is going to make a fortune.”

“Why?” my friend asked.

“Because he can talk non-stop about fuck-all and keep your attention.”

Yes, friends: Jimmy Saville was the first real disc jockey I ever heard. Others played records with comments about the people who made them, the music and so on. Jimmy used a twin-turntable (and had done since 1947) with minimal gaps between records. During the gaps he talked non-stop about nothing in the most engaging way with a bizarre semi-transatlantic phraseology delivered in a broad Yorkshire accent.

He became by far the most successful DJ in Britain - and certainly the only one to be knighted. He wore ghastly track-suits and gold chains, dyed his hair blonde, had a litany of catch-phrases, several of which entered the language, never married and did a prodigious amount of work for charity. The picture is of him with a local charity - when he was 80 years old.

All those years ago I was so struck by him that, having a love of music, a trivial mind and a burning desire to show off I got an interview with him. He was a very nice man. When I said I was married he advised me not to become a DJ as it would ruin my marriage. Ironic, really, as I managed that all on my very own.

One of my most interesting career opportunities in those years was being asked by a very attractive blonde dancing partner if I’d like to be her ponce. I declined, not on moral grounds but because I am a coward and thought the job might involve violence.

So there you are.

Meanwhile, if you are worried about whether the world is coming to an end I have five practical money-making ideas for you, most but not all to do with e-commerce.

I am emailing them to my list. If you are not on that list, just email Drayton@Draytonbird.com reading “Berlusconi”. That will help you remember one big fat crooked degenerate reason you’re going to need better ideas and also remind me to send you the ideas.

They do not include setting up as a disc jockey. However my friend Martin Chilcott is not only a is freely available for parties and excellent marketing advice. As I may have mentioned oh, three hundred times, four of my family are musicians and I know a lot more than Martin about soul, jazz and r'n'b no matter what he thinks, the poor young fool.

Very droll: another blinding glimpse of the obvious lurches out of the intellectual undergrowth - plus Ocado's marketing madness

Friends accuse me of mock-modesty when I say that any success I have had has little to do with my abilities but is almost entirely due to the sloth of many if not most people in the marketing game.

But I am absolutely serious and bring in evidence three instructive examples.

First, the advertisement shown here, which is about 90 years old. It is the work of Claude Hopkins, and a simple demonstration of what marketing is all about - besides illustrating one or two tricks that repay study.

Second, a relatively new online publication called Social Media Examiner which caters to fools in thrall to the latest silver bullet.

And third, why a company called Ocado that does almost everything right is not just shooting itself in the foot but enthusiastically cutting its legs off every day.

The Pepsodent ad shows how to acquire customers in any business. Offer a benefit, paint a word picture and give something away free that will capture customers. This is what you have to do on the internet, for example, though surprisingly few seem to know it.

The ad also forces retail distribution in a way most large firms today have never heard of. It sends retailers lots of people interested in Pepsodent.

The story of how Pepsodent became the leading toothpaste all those years ago despite being no better than any of its competitors is told in The Man Who Sold America. Please don't ask me about that because you should know of it and its subject already. Just read it.

Social Media Examiner is the brainchild of Michael Stelzner and good for him. His aim, I guess, is to enlighten people who a) think social media are the answer to maiden’s prayer and b) don't realise there is nothing new about how to succeed in these media. They are probably also under the illusion that a slogan is advertising and re-branding will save their witless little arses.

The latest Social Media Examiner offers a report called 4 Steps to Selling With Social Media. This tells you what Claude Hopkins knew 90 years ago. 1. Find a prospect. 2. Keep talking to them till they buy. 3. Keep them as long as you can. 4. Measure everything to see how you're doing.

Marketers who don't understand this should go and get a job growing turnips. If they did we would have lots more turnips, marketing departments would shrink by about two thirds and average return on marketing investment would double.

***

I have been studying Ocado, a very good home delivery service, for years. They don't understand one of the most important things in the process above, with disastrous consequences. I have manfully refrained from comment because I think they should pay me for this, but I can't keep quiet any longer.

Ocado are very good at finding prospects and making them buy. They do this by offering discounts. New customers go onto the database and they communicate with them regularly.

So far so good. But you know what happens next? They keep offering them discounts. Why? If the service is good (which it is) they don’t need to. They are training their customers not to buy except with a discount.

As my friend the late Professor Andrew Ehrenberg in the PIMS study run with the Ogilvy Centre for Research pointed out well over 25 years ago, this kills profits.

Whoever is responsible for this folly should have their brains surgically replaced with something more useful. Fish oil, maybe.

This man was breathing money when I was on a mere $480,000. Here's why

My friend James Hammond, the Brand Doctor, sent me this (he studies everything and often mortifies me by producing stuff I never heard of).

It is written by Neil French. I don't know how you make it big enough to read. Get a magnfiying glass, maybe. It's worth it.

Neil was in charge of creative at Ogilvy Advertising around the time I was in charge of the direct side.

Naturally, advertising being more creative, he got paid tons more than me.

I suspect he deserved it. He produced the kind of ads that Raymond Rubicam said we should all aspire to – “that not only sells but is an excellent piece of work in its own right.”

Thank you James. And thank you Neil. We never met but I was always impressed by tales (apocryphal, I am sure) suggesting that my private life was downright tame compared to yours.

Some thoughts about banks - and how come people fall for all this second rate guff?

Over the years I have seen both sides of most of the big banks in this country. I’ve done work and had business or personal accounts with them and they are bloody useless in both areas.

Lloyds Bank is deep in the doo-doo again, and that Spanish chap who did so well at Santander has taken to his bed.

I’m not in the least surprised. Not just because anyone who thinks the famous financial genius Lewis Hamilton is the right face for a bank must be a bit simple, but because I’ve suffered as a Lloyds customer since 1977.

I only retain an account with them because I get a decent overdraft and can’t be bothered to move to FirstDirect who are, I am told competent. But I still can’t understand why Lloyds computer regularly refuses to give me cash when I go to New York – five or six times every year.

I have suffered from Lloyds as a supplier, too. I introduced them to direct marketing in the early ‘80s, and God, it was hard work. I wrote a ten point proposal in the cab going over - which now forms part of one of the early chapters in Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing.

I didn't mean it to be done in such a hurry - I thought my colleague had done one and vice-versa.

Lloyds' main problem was an utter inability to actually do anything. This was largely because they carefully created a bottleneck in their system. Everything we did had to be approved by one nitwit, ignorant of all marketing and, like most big company marketers, disinclined to learn. So progress was snail-like.

Years later I did a proposal for them for the launch of an internet bank. That project (nothing came of it) was being managed entirely by outside consultants, which brings a whole new plangent meaning to the phrase abdication of responsibility.

When I worked with the Bank of Scotland one executive said at a conference of financial marketers that everything we ever did for them beat what it was tested against – but they still kept the account with one big useless agency. It is astonishing that return on investment doesn’t matter to a bank.

The only bank client who seemed any good was with the Banco Comercial Portuges, but he stiffed me for £5,000 eventually.

My solution for the banks is simple.

1. Move your headquarters to somewhere much cheaper.

2. Fire half the people there at random and give some of the savings to the poor bastards who work in the branches.

3. Ban all meetings that a) last longer than 30 minutes b) where all present cannot give a good reason why and c) do not produce a decision to act with a time by which that action is to be taken, and a person deputed to make sure it is.

4. Cease all marketing that cannot be proven to either a) get more customers or b) get customers to stay longer or c) get them to spend more - or is measured by means of qualitative research alone.

The banks are not the only people without a clue, though. A year ago I wrote about an insurance mailing that I swear will work, and am prepared to do a profit-sharing deal with any firm that will run it.

A few people replied including one from AXA who said he was there to “shake things up” and one from another firm who claimed to be keen. Nothing happened.

One reason nothing happens in business is because of the amount of useless bullshit, useless bullshitters and useless people who fall for it.

The other day a firm offered a report called Strategically Social: 5 Keys to Becoming a Social Business, so I replied out of curiosity.

The report was full of statistics and words like empowering and leveraging, but told me absolutely nothing anyone even half-well-informed shouldn't know, No wonder: the writer was a CRM expert: i.e. a specialist in busted flushes.

A salesman called Randy followed up three times – quite right: they want to take money off me.

He was “touching base … to get some general feedback. How is Drayton Bird Associates currently active in the social media space?”

So, clearly no research had been done, other than into all-purpose corporate cliché.

In the third follow-up he wanted to discuss “how Drayton Bird Associates is currently using, or plans to use, social media to achieve your overall corporate objectives."

I replied “The day I start having "overall corporate objectives" is the day I quit, Randy.

What I do is make money, and to help in that I post on blog, twitter and facebook plus send out emails totalling between them about 50 times a week.

It works just fine.”

Politics and marketing: why I won’t shut up no matter how much it bores you

Two weeks ago one of the speakers at EADIM took me aside and made some helpful suggestions. One was that I should stop writing about politics – “I find it infuriating” he said.

He said I should stick to marketing, because that’s what I’m known for and what people want to hear about from me.

I respect his views so I listened, said nothing and thought about it.

He may be right but I don’t think so.

I believe a narrow focus on marketing stunts your thinking. We live in wider world; everything we do is affected by what politicians do. If you doubt it, consider the current chaos and ask who is responsible.

If you’re in Europe ask yourself, for example, how much European legislation - drafted by people you never voted for - affects your ability to use direct mail or to hire and fire. Or how much you personally will be paying to sort out Greece and other countries. Then work out how much your marketing results must improve to for you to afford the money.

Moreover how politicians market themselves - or fail to - teaches many lessons.

In the 1950’s the Eisenhower campaign was the first (as far as I know) to use tested direct marketing methods. They actually tested several messages to see which got the greatest response (most big firms, 60 years later have still not got round to this).

I worked on the Thatcher, Major and Blair campaigns. None of the people running them had a clue from a direct marketer’s perspective.

When I was working for the Tories I had chat with a friend who was working for the Socialists. He told me,"All they're interested in is 'what are you going to say about me." This is exactly the thinking that leads to the self-congratulatory bilge large marketers indulge in.

Obama ran the most sophisticated campaign ever, but is a telling instance of the fact that you should never over-promise.

As Bill Bernbach put it, “Nothing kills a bad product faster than good advertising.” I am not suggesting Obama is a bad product. I am suggesting his is a case of “No, you can’t”. Obama could never in a million years change everything. He is in a far, far worse situation than if he had made more modest claims.

But let me turn closer to home where some extraordinary marketing is likely to defeat the biggest clown to run Italy since Mussolini - and in some ways a worse man. Mussolini almost destroyed the mafia. Berlusconi was financed by them.

Italy is in a far, far worse state than it was before they started complying with European employment legislation which puts you off hiring people – even temporarily - because you can’t fire them. From having the fastest growing economy in Europe they have regressed to becoming a basket case – and it all started from the moment they started following the rules.

Many Italians thought that even if was a crook, Berlusconi was able. They were disappointed - which brings me to what is happening in Italy right now.

Michele Santoro, a broadcaster whom Berlusconi tried to destroy, looks like destroying him. How? Partly because he is the most popular broadcaster in Italy – but also by extremely clever marketing.

Berlusconi controls either directly or indirectly all the major broadcasting channels. He fired Santoro – twice. Santoro sued and was reinstated. Then, what a surprise, Santoro’s programme – the most popular in Italy with 8 million viewers- was cancelled.

So Santoro went out and made deals with all the small local independent channels so that people could see a programme untrammelled by state interference. In 48 hours he raised 230,000 Euros from private individuals in payments of 10 euros. Enough for the first programme to be filmed at Cinecitta, the famous film studios in Rome..

2 million people watched that programme. Nobody knows how many more watched on line but 200,000 people posted messages on facebook during the programme.

Santoro is a very witty man – and shows great stuff.

One example is a sequence showing a meeting of Berlusconi supporters. They would feel at home in the BNP. Another is a series of shots of Italian legislators in parliament all listening to their mobile phones. They are being told how to vote.

But one shouldn’t be patronising. Our own politicians are just so much lobby fodder.

Maybe this sort of thing doesn’t interest you and you don’t think it is worth learning from. I disagree. As John Donne wrote, "No man is an island". Nor is our trade.