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Sunday, 26 February 2012

Here's a comic (and lying) name for a business. Plus, yes, bankers really DO p**s away your money - and a countdown or two

Are you jaded and bored, or easily entertained? I get fun practically everywhere I turn.

Last night I watched a BBC 4 programme - Sicily Explored - a gastro-historical feast about one of my favourite islands followed by the latest Camilleri story. Three hours of sheer delight.

But one thing never fails to deliver little bites of pleasure. It is the endless stream of brazen lies from the internet hucksters. For example, an email from the Land of Useless Exclamation Marks saying "drayton, as promised here is your Video Secrets Revealed Download!" They say "Professional video is a must when trying to create your own Brand!"

No, it bloody well isn't. Quite a few brands have been built without them: walk round any supermarket or department store and you'll see some. In fact there is a fair bit of evidence to suggest that unprofessional videos are more convincing and may do more for you.

But the best bit of that email is the name of the illiterate senders' website: EliminateMLMfailure.com. If anyone wants to know how you do that, the answer is simple. Don't get involved. Or, if you must, start your own.

Before that they sent me a message saying "drayton, thanks for joining our VIP list!" - which of course I never had - before explaining that their new scam will be the largest MLM launch online. Nice to know that besides ripping me off with some dodgy rubbish they're going to con me on some video deal.

One thing I always imagined until they proved me wrong was that it was impossible not to make money by running a bank. I am full of s**t, as you know from reading this blog - but so are they, it seems. See http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2106237/Loo-view-The-dizzying-heights-bankers-ivory-tower-toilet.html.

You will notice that part of the story talks about a very tall building. Tall buildings are often harbingers of catastrophe. Years ago Sears Roebuck moved into what was then the tallest building in the world - and almost immediately got into trouble. The minute you start thinking more about your office than your customers, you're in trouble. I actually share an office - which I only visit once a week, to general relief.

That banking story was sent to me by Michael Rhodes who sends me so much interesting stuff, I'm thinking of making it a regular feature.

Another regular feature of this is my repeated intention of moving over to Wordpress - but I'm worried that you'll all desert me. Both of you. I think I'll start one of those wonderful countdowns with a ticking clock.

Talking of which, if you want to make the savings on my EADIM tapes, the opportunity ends at midnight, Pacific Time. I didn't actually tell you much about who was involved, but here's a bit more.

Besides Rory Sutherland who is so funny and perceptive that I have heard he's about to star in a TV series and Steve Harrison, the world's most awarded direct copywriter, I did something nobody ever seems to do.

I explained the whole scope of marketing and the roles of all 12 disciplines. You cannot succeed knowing only one or - even more ludicrous, only part of one. The kind of people who think that are perfect MLM prospects.

Money comes from customers. Martin Chillcott, formerly a top dog with American Express, M & G, Thomas Cook and others talked about them.

Brian Thomas, whom I once hired because he knew a lot more about marketing than me, probably still does - and explains what you need to know with wonderful clarity.

Michael Leander, founder of MarkEdu is such a witty commentator on what's really happening online that I've had him speak every year.

I flew in Mike Marshall from the U.S. - a good investment because he explained a lot about the internet that I never understood - and made us all laugh in doing so. How nice to meet someone who writes software and speaks English.

Marta Caricato, the only PhD I know in marketing besides Steve Harrison, explained how to plan. Formerly with Coral/Eurobet she worked with me for 7 years before moving to the largest direct investment firm in Britain, Hargreaves Lansdown where she works directly with the founder.

Bill Fryer, whose agency gets you better results, or you don't pay, shows you how to optimise everything. Peter Hobday of Subscriptions Strategy Magazine - to whom I always turn when working in that particular minefield - made us all think.

And, to add a little tone to proceedings, Rowan Gormley, co-founder of three Virgin brands with Richard Branson and now boss of the wildly successful naked Wines business, made a cameo appearance.

When I promoted the event I made two guarantees.

One, if by lunchtime on the first day people didn't think it was worth twice what they paid, they could have their money back plus travel expenses. Two, that you simply will not find any group of speakers of this calibre anywhere in the world. Nobody disagreed or wanted a refund.

If you reply now to the one-minute questionnaire here you qualify for the discounts I promised - and I'll tell you more during the week. But this opportunity ends at midnight, Pacific Time.

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