For male chauvinists and mathematicians only

I finished six pieces of copy yesterday and I'm fed up with sectarian squabbles, so time for a laugh.My friend Andy Owen just sent me a joke about these two ladies, which I have seen before, but it still made me laugh.

It also reminded me of a most amusing man I once worked for in the swimming pool business, who always said on the matter of sex. “it’s cheaper to rent”.

Anyhow, the maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce are as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other as you can see at the top, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting really does make more sense...

By the way, the man who advised me to that effect was (and still is, in his '80's) a charming, very funny New Yorker who got away with costing the Mafia a lot of money. I learned a lot from him.

Now, now, calm down you two

I see that my last two posts have started the internet version of a pub brawl. And I think I should say that the Mike in question is not my son-in-law, in case anyone thinks so.

I have some sympathy with both points of view - and that is what I am getting at. The best characteristics of the English have generally included some sort of tolerance - which should certainly extend as far as tolerating people who don't like jokes about religion, or have no sense of humour at all.

In fact one of the classic humorous books in the English language is "Diary of a Nobody" - all about a man with no sense of humour. And just to make the point that we all differ in our view of what's funny, I never found it funny at all. Same thing with "The Office" - it is impossible to parody the jargon-laden crap that goes on in offices.

The real problem to me is that if people are not integrated into society - which is a baleful consequence of the multicultural approach - this causes lasting and dangerous schisms.

The first awful case of this, which we live with today, took place when the British government invited West Indians to come and work on the buses and railways after the war who, expecting a welcome, were greeted by racism. Pretty much the same thing happened when many came from Pakistan and Bangladesh to work in the textile industry.
As a nation we were not tolerant; we were vile. It is the tragedy of my lifetime and our country.

The funny thing is, I predicted what would happen when I was twelve, together with what seemed to me a good solution. That was when I was first told in my prep school about racism. I vividly recall saying that this would be the worst thing that could happen to Britain and then adding "the solution is for all the black people and the white people to make love and have children."

Well, I have done my best in that respect, and ended up helping to bring up (rather ineptly, I'm afraid) a lot of mixed race children, but it doesn't seem to have helped enough. My epitaph: "could have done better if he had tried". But I certainly enjoyed trying.

You can always rely on Mike

My son-in-law Mike despite pretending to run a hotel outside Manchester only has one real interest in life: making dreadful jokes.

He has not let me down: I got a message yesterday morning congratulating me on my Sunni disposition.

Nice one, Mike; though my favourite current religious jest, is about the difference between God and the well known tax dodger Bono. The punch-line is “God doesn’t walk down O’Connell Street wearing dark glasses and thinking he’s Bono”.

Meanwhile, Peter Hobday has suggested that poor English stands in the way of making good jokes. I don't agree. Two of the best joke tellers I know are from Bombay and Vienna. Come to think of it, another who makes me laugh regularly is from Ljubljana; and last month in Warsaw a Polish presenter managed to make me laugh even though I didn't understand a word he said.

Anyhow, by coincidence, The Spectator ran a piece last week by two Muslims attacking the suggestion by the Lord Chief Justice, Lord Phillips of Little Witless in the Myre, that the institutionalisation of unspecified aspects of sharia law is ‘unavoidable’.

Which bits he means, I don't know. Stoning women (but not men) accused of adultery to death on the say so of men? Now that stabbing seems so popular here, maybe that would go down well as a spectator sport in some quarters.

Anyhow, as I am in the toils of an insane divorce which so far has cost an alarming amount of money – and will certainly mean my soon-to-be-ex-wife gets about £300,000 less than she would have if she hadn’t wasted so much time I deeply appreciate what a mess the law is in.

Four different judges could even agree on how I had to swear a particular document, and the court even forgot to issue my decree nisi. But I didn’t realize the top law man is a such a complete twat. Maybe he reflects the ineptitude of the entire system. Mind you, when you have a government that comes up with new, generally unworkable laws every twenty minutes, then withdraws them it's probably hard to say sane.

What is interesting about the Spectator article is that survey evidence shows that Muslims themselves dislike the idea of sharia being introduced here. It is only dumbos in the British Establishment, so committed to multiculturalism and as usual going to the wrong people (bogus, self appointed Muslim “representatives”) to get bad advice.

The article reveals that when his followers were persecuted in Mecca and fled to Christian Ethiopia Mohammed said they must accept the laws and customs of their new homes, and not try to change them in an Islamic direction.

And apparently Ayatolla Sistani of Iraq, one of the few voices of reason in that sad country is also a leading sharia authority. He says if you have agreed to accept the laws of a country, you must either do so or leave.

I like that approach a lot more than that taken by our government and the European legislators. This seems to be if you flout the laws of our country and even encourage murder, don’t worry, we’ll pay to keep you here as long as you please just in case the people where you came from find you as detestable as we do.

Meanwhile, people who really deserve asylum and help, poor black women with sick children for instance, who have no braying lobby of the liberal brainless to defend them are shipped back to misery and in the case of the children, death.

All this is another obscene example of the way those with the biggest mouths in any community not only have the least sense; they are utterly out of touch with the rest of us. More to the point, they always end up by landing us in the shit.

In this case the extremists have made life difficult for the moderates; and the government has, rather than ameliorate the problem, sown discord between communities and, as usual, managed to make life worse for all of us.

On jokes and such

My friend Rezbi got a bit excited about the last post, and my response is this.

I like the joke.

I also like Irish jokes, Jewish jokes, Polish jokes, English jokes, Scottish jokes (except for a few in Parliament), Australian jokes - in fact all jokes, not to mention ones about the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is a Welsh joke, and jokes about priests and rabbis.

Catholics and Jews love jokes about priests and rabbis, but do Muslims like jokes about their religion? If not, they should learn to if they plan to hang around here, because in this country we love jokes. And I like it that way. I would like England to remain English, jokes and all.

Like Rezbi, I detest extremists, and they do indeed give you a bad name whatever community you belong to. For instance I think all members of the National Front or whatever it's called should be shipped to the South Pole.

But although I know that ordinary Muslims detest extremism (because, guess what, I have Muslim friends) the voices of those who think this have been relatively quiet.

But I do not agree with his comment that the government or the authorities have encouraged anti-Muslim sentiment; for the most part they have done exactly the opposite. In any sane country the rabble-rousers who have been allowed to stay and be subsidised as they have here would have been thrown out.

But going back to the joke, those of any background who have had a sense of humour bypass operation may find the atmosphere better in a country where people are more serious. Germany springs to mind. They have had a few extremists there now and then, but you can't have everything.

Engish Weather explained

A friend sent me this, and I just couldn't resist it.

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather,' but rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it should be described as 'Muslim Weather.'

In other words, 'partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.'

For those of you not blessed with the holiness of the entirely ludicrous and irrelevant Archbishop of Canterbury, I should explain that he is a clerical buffoon who not long ago suggested that English law would have to start incorporating elements of Sharia law.

He himself, perhaps to signify a subtle shift in the direction of Islam, has a beard, though, like most things related to the Church of England, it is a feeble, lack-lustre affair.

He will never be fully accepted among the brave, full-blooded, 100% hairy, "let's get our women and cretins to blow themselves up for Allah" elements of the community so eagerly subsidised by the Commission for the Human Rights of Everyone Who Wants to Come Over Here and Kill Us but Daren't Go Back to Where They Came From Because Nobody There is Fooled for a Minute.

I might add that the large homosexual element amongst the clergy must have been a bit alarmed by His Disgrace the Archbishop's remark as we all know what Mohamed thought about buggery.

Mind you, we of the the West are not unique in our contradictions. All communities have them.

I recall learning many years ago that a popular Pathan (those are the Afghans we are helping, dear) poem begins, "There's a boy across the river with a bottom like a peach, but alas, I cannot swim."