What's in store in 2012? Odd language leads to pretty useless advice - and my touchingly generous offer expires today

One of the most profitable lines ever written was to sell the Kiplinger Letter. It ran for a good twenty years and read "Will there be more BOOM and more INFLATION ahead?" 

It worked because we all want to know what's going to happen; but I can save you a little trouble. There is no boom coming your way but a whole lot of inflation, because that's what happens when you print money, whatever fancy name you call it.

This is prompted by something I saw in an e-mag called "London Loves Business" which read: Market niches set to explode in 2012, according to the UK's most successful entrepreneurs.

Strange phraseology: niches do not explode, but I wanted to know what various experts thought. The answer is that most of what followed was a series of self-interested plugs by sundry individuals who think their business is going to do just great.

Stelios Hajimathingy thinks his easy businesses will go just great, except he didn't mention easyJet because he's having a row with them. A couple of guys in the dating business think people are going to want to leap into bed with each other more. 

And would you believe a property man thinks you could do well in prime property? A man who's been trying to make hydrogen batteries reckons he's finally cracked it. There were a couple of investment schemes I would be very careful about. And (surprise, surprise) mobile ads are doing well and will do better.

The whole piece was a big con. Most of the people were not London's most successful entrepreneurs. And other than Will King, the King of Shaves man and a guy who runs virtual gyms, all the advice was just flat-out self-promotion. 

I like the idea of virtual gyms. I could stop all my push-ups and crunches and just imagine I'm exercising. Actually, that's not unlike what most people end up doing after they join a gym: they go two or three times then quit. 

Don't laugh, though: research I read somewhere says that just imagining you're exercising actually works.

Changing the subject a little, do you ever find yourself astounded at the way you know you should do things - but you don't? I do, often.

That's why I spent much of yesterday making audio recordings. I have known for years that people like to listen to stuff in the car or while doing other things like the cleaning (which I do, believe it or not). But I have always put stuff out in video or written form. Stupid.

Anyhow three hours of wit and wisdom is now in the can ready for January. If you're one of those who has joined EADIM you'll start getting them. If you're not (I may have mentioned this before) well, the £600 saving deal ends when the year ends. Just a few hours from now.

After that, the New Year - no boom, but plenty of busts - is coming your way. In the deathless words of Bette Davis, "Fasten your seatbelts. We're in for a bumpy ride." .

How to have a Happy New Year: two options – plus thoughts on Special Relationships and General Folly

If you follow politics in the same bemused way as I do you may find yourself chortling from time to time at how British politicians harp on about a special relationship between the U.S. and the U.K.

This certainly existed during World War 2, when a wonderful arrangement called Lend-Lease enabled us to stay afloat with the help of U.S. supplies that we eventually had to pay for - which pretty much ruined us.

Nowadays it seems to consist of British politicians a) competing to see which can lick the arse of the current president most vigorously – see Blair-Bush; and b) imitating the sillier ideas from over there.

Under the heading of General Folly who commands Major Disaster, Bush had a “Drugs Czar”. This is what they call gesture politics, and had about as much effect on drug taking as Prohibition had on boozing. So, ignoring a few more serious matters, Cameron has a Shopping Czar called Mary Portas. 

Her “mission” which she accepted with alacrity - think of the publicity, darlings! - is to Save the High Street. How fatuous is that? Is she going to ban online shopping and blow up all the supermarkets? And why isn’t she called a Czarina, by the way?

In the mad, mad world it seems by some mechanism I cannot comprehend that if people spend, spend, spend more on shopping the economy will be just fine. I can’t understand why pissing away money on rubbish is good for us all, but no worries: Bill Bonner in Money Week has just pointed out why this won’t happen.

It is because people don’t have the money. Or rather the wrong people have the money, to be more precise. 

In the last year, British CEOs increased their salaries, but certainly not their competence, by 49%. Ordinary workers got 2.6% more. That is less than they lost by inflation. In the U.S, one obscenely grasping CEO paid himself $145,266,190. 

(Of course, he was in the “health-care” or rip-off industry. Sickening, isn't it, how bad health is in the U.S. considering how much it costs? In the most comprehensive survey I know of, the U.S. came 37th out of 37 nations - though costs are more than double any other nation's.)

Sadly, though there is only so much money these egregious wretches can piss away on vulgar yachts and overpriced modern art. 

So the question you might like to ask before my next commercial is this: if ordinary people don’t have as much money to spend, how can you make sure you get more than your fair share? 

It's simple really. f you want to have any kind of decent New Year at all, you’d better get better at marketing. A lot better.

I have two suggestions for you - then I won’t bore you much more for at least 24 hours.

1.  Grab one of the last handful of seats at EADIM, saving yourself £600.    

2.   Keep your eyes open in the first week of January, when I shall offer you a full year of marketing advice.

This will include a description, in riveting detail, of How I Came Back From The Dead.

Hard to beat that, eh?

Shooting cows and sparing milkmaids, or how to put the cart before the horse: an expert demonstrates. And why I’m ending this blog shortly

Years ago when I whizzed around the world telling people what to do (a role for which I was astoundingly unfitted) I arrived one sunny morning at a Canadian airport.

The office head met me and drove me into town. He had quite a problem. The office was losing money hand over fist. I had no idea what to suggest but I thought maybe the trick would be to get rid of a few people. But who?

So I asked him about office numbers. He had a small creative department – the people who put together the ads and mailings and so on. There were somewhat more account handlers – the charmers who deal with the clients. And there were even more in the accounts department – they send out the bills and keep score financially.

I said, “Well, David Ogilvy says you should never have more milkmaids than cows. You have that - more account handlers than creative people. But you have even more people counting the buckets of milk, which is pretty amazing. See what happens if you get the balance right.”

So he did, and the business went on to prosper – as did he. He is now the worldwide head of that particular organisation.

There is obviously a hell of a lot more to what he achieved than changing the numbers. He is very good blues harmonica player, for one thing. But I was reminded of all this when I heard what they are up to at the BBC. 

Mark Thompson – he who gets paid well over five times as much as the Prime Minister – has a “programme” or “initiative” called “Delivering Quality First”. Pardon me while I throw up before explaining that they are doing this by shooting cows and sparing milkmaids. 

They are getting rid of over 2,000 people in programme-making (cows) but sparing all the executives (milkmaids). There is no shortage of milkmaids at the BBC; in fact so many there are 1,800 job titles that include the words manager or management.

I have stolen most of that from the Oldie magazine, which also reveals that despite all these managers, analysts, officers, architects, executives and advisors one senior correspondent revealed recently that “it is incompetently managed from top to bottom.”

This story reminds me of one of Evelyn Waugh’s best jokes, delivered after Randolph Churchill had had his appendix out. He remarked how extraordinary it was that they had managed to remove the one part of Randolph that was not malignant.

Lastly, I have noticed one thing in life – demonstrated by the BBC story – that far too often people mistake change for improvement. 

The people who run this blog have introduced improvements which make it much harder for me, so I’m going to move it elsewhere shortly.

A gorgeous lady reveals why some people will be having a Merry Christmas - at your expense. Plus a funnier European joke

As all but the blind and stupid know, the news is increasingly brought to us by glamorous lady newsreaders.

The reason may lie in research I saw 40 odd years ago into what attracts the eye. This may well help you in your marketing, by the way.

Men look more at women than at men, and women look more at women than men, but they look at babies even more.

This may explain a few relationship mysteries to us males, but that is not my purpose here. Go and check out http://dotsub.com/view/01ad2718-073c-474a-ac40-c7a72e199d55. It will explain one reason why most people in this country (and I suspect many others too) are not keen on the joys of the European community. 


 Another is that 45% of the community's money goes to subsidising two groups. First, rich farmers who don't need the money. Second, poor farmers who need the money because they are not very efficient ... and get it because they are large in number, many are in France and Germany, and they all vote.


After that, a far better European joke.


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. 


The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. 


When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford it. 


The Spaniard said "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built". 


The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house - gold taps, marble floors - the lot. 


When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"


The Spaniard replied "No." 


 And finally, a Swiss-Welsh joke. 


There is great stress placed on retaining the ancient language of Wales, which I applaud. 


It does give rise to oddities, though, as they have made up words for things that didn't exist 700 years ago - e.g. toilet is toiled, or ty bach, and paper is papur.


Anyhow, after that boring stuff you don't really need to know, I was entertained to receive the other day this message: Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda. 


My Welsh is not what it was - I went to school in Wales, but only learnt rude words - but this means Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. 


Why the sender, who works for a Swiss firm, imagines all his readers speak Welsh, I have no idea, but I would like to pass that message on to all readers in their respective languages - even my resident hissy old queen, Shannon O'Hara.

Putin would applaud the way America is going - and a tale about the joys of equality

While you were out celebrating, the fires of liberty were being extinguished, no doubt on the principle of "yes we can".

The U.S. Congress, abetted by Obama, has passed a Bill that means you can be arrested, thrown in jail, "questioned" for any reason or no reason at all. You don't have to be charged with anything. Don't waste time asking for your lawyer - or anyone else. They don't have to allow it, any more than they need read you your rights or provide any evidence.

And I might add that they also feel they have the right to do much the same thing anywhere in the world - to you or me. All this brings to mind nothing so much as the Spanish Inquisition, Stalin's Purges and Hitler's Germany.

 *** 

 My friend Andy Owen sent me a parable which may be made up to attack Obama on the laughable grounds that he is socialist - but which bears thinking about.

 Allegedly an economics professor at a local college announced that although he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class.

The class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

 The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment on this". Everyone agreed.

"All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade, so no one will fail and no one will receive an A:.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset. The students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little, had studied even less. And the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too, so reduced their efforts too. The second test average was a D.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased, as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings - and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail, because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

From, this the following was concluded

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for, without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

I do not think Obama is a socialist. I think he is, like almost all politicians, something of a shit. Recently, in an effort to curry favour with the right, he has backtracked on his promise to introduce a more humane immigration plicy.

In fact more people are being deported and families being torn apart under his legislation than were under Bush.