Dickheads at the helm, friends

I strongly believe that in many ways marketing is done a lot worse than it was 20 years ago.

O.K., I'm a miserable old sod who thinks things were always better way back when.

But I have two reasons for my belief

Firstly, British schools are turning out illiterates - and not only that, new methods actively discourage study: everything is now based on multiple choice - rather like idiots' TV quiz programmes.

Secondly, there has been a massive explosion of spurious jargon chiefly designed to part fools from their money - which it does very well.

For example, two clients I know are doing what they call re-branding. Neither realises that the brand exists in the mind of the customer, not in their marketing department. They fondly imagine a new slogan or a redesigned website or brochure are all you need.

Epitomising the kind of nonsense that goes on is a message I got today from a very experienced and competent direct marketer. It was all too depressingly familiar.

Since 2006 we have worked for a small charity producing its mail order catalogue, undertaking warm and cold mailings and providing advice (usually free and based on common sense practice).

We were appointed by the Marketing Director, who I have known for many years, and who knows that I know more about dm than he does; we like and trust one another and have respect for each other's skills. So far, so good.

This year he appointed a part time Marketing Manager as he is committed to building a local fundraising programme north of the border. Young MM comes from the world of fmcg marketing and has embarked upon, in her three day a week job, a ‘review’ of agencies – not that they have any, just us and a freelancer who puts the newsletter together.

We were summoned to do a ‘chemistry’ meeting, whatever that may be – it turned out to be a chat and lunch, and we are now invited to their offices again (about 140 mile round trip) to receive the brief.

“Great,” I said, “looking forward to working with you”. “Oh, no,” comes the reply from young MM, “you are just through the first round when I saw EIGHT agencies, and now you have to pitch against three others for the project”.

The budget, I learn today is £15,000…with a promise of more next year if this test is successful. Needless to say, I have withdrawn and hope that the other three do too. I also hope that young MM soon joins the ranks of the unemployed because she is wasting the charity's money where she is."

Just think: the money wasted on paying for this young punk and her self-aggrandizing pitching bollocks is preventing good work being done. Every day people in desperate need are being robbed by witless, conceited people like her.

Where do they dig these shit-for-brains kids up from? Who hires them? Who promotes them? Who doesn't know what they're doing?