Thank you, thank you, thank you

One of my colleagues remarked today that I was being provided a lot of material for this record of the random follies of mankind.

But few greater gifts have been given lately than the news of the schoolboy who, out of the blue, received a certificate from an elaborate bureaucratic joke called AQA, which is one of the giant scams created to give our money to those in society who might otherwise be doing something vaguely useful.

The certificate was for using public transport, and showed that young Bobby McHale had demonstrated the ability to:

1. walk to the local bus stop
2. stand or sit at the bus stop and wait for the arrival of a public bus
3. enter the bus in a calm and safe manner
4. be directed to a downstairs seat by a member of staff
5. sit on the bus and observe through the windows
6. wait until the bus has stopped, stand on request and exit the bus
7. Not stab, kick, maim or otherwise mutilate anyone of an unconventional sexual or religious persuasion on the bus

Sorry, I got a little carried away on point seven; but this surreal tale demonstrates the tidal wave of costly hogwash which threatens to drown us all if we're not careful.

It was all part of the Bury and Rochdale Active Generation Scheme in which £20,000 was invested over two weeks. You can be damn sure that the same sort of money has been pissed away on a myriad such fatuous schemes this year, demonstrating that the only thing most governments can do is spend other people's money.

AQA (who have a lovely logo, by the way) reports to Ofqual, a creation of Ed Bollocks ...

"Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum."

And who do all these bloodsuckers end up feeding off? The Alan Duncans, the Gordon Browns, the John Bercows, not forgetting lesser fleas like "Youth Support Services Director Barbara Lewis up in darkest Bury and Rochdale who had the gall to defend the scheme that gave a perfectly able and talented young man his insultingly pointless certificate?

They feed off us, my friends, they feed off us.

Next week: Department of Indecision announces new strategic arse-wiping Campaign. "The only way to beat Swine Flu," vows Brown in dramatic twitter