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Sunday, 22 June 2008

An insane linguistic omelette - and other miseries of the modern world

It is the privilege and one of the few pleasures of the old and useless – ie, people like me – to have a good moan, so here goes.

This morning I saw four things that irritate me currently combined in one phrase. These things are: stupid slogans, jargon, social networks and the current worship of cooks.

What touched it all off was an invitation from someone to add them to my list of friends on Facebook.

I only belong to this because someone asked me, and I was taught never to be rude, so I complied. Ever since I have been embarrassed and irriteted becaase I keep getting more invitations, some of which for some mysterious reason I can accept and others of which I can’t.

In the latter case I go to my page and a message says ”This invitation is not intended for you”. Which makes me wonder how the hell I got it. How many drayton@draytonbird.coms are there?

It happened again this morning. Then I saw a message saying Richard Hill had “poked” me. Now the word poke has a certain meaning to us here in England, and I can only say a) that my tastes are heterosexual and b) as sexual experiences go, Richard, this was unsatisfactory, especially as c) when I tried to reciprocate I got a message saying I couldn’t. Just as well, Richard. It would have ben an ugly sight.

My irritation was not lessened when I saw an ad on my page reading Empowering chefs globally followed by Chefsworld A world created by chefs for chefs, and the explanation Chefsworld is the largest independant resource available for chefs.

This opening impelled me, as a collector of linguistic debris, to click through. I got the following tasteless verbal bouillabaisse:

Welcome to our world, A world created by chefs for chefs. The purpose of ChefsWorlds is to empower chefs in the marketplace by opening up communication channels between chefs globally. Membership is free and gives you access to all facilities listed below. ChefsWorld™ is not a recruitment site, but we do provide this facility.

“The aim of ChefsWorld is to empower chefs in the Global Market. ChefsWorld is an independent Resource for Chefs, free from magazine, association and PR influence. So Welcome to your World, a World created by Chefs for Chefs.”

Set aside the fact that the twat who wrote this can’t spell independent, keeps repeating him or herself and capitalising the "w" in world for no reason, and that the ONLY purpose of this site is to make money through recruitment advertising, and I would like to say the following.

1. Anybody using the word “empowering” should be burnt to death. This nasty word should be locked up where it belongs - in politics and corporate masturbation, with other linguistic garbage like "strategic", “proactive”, "ongoing" and “initiative.

2. Chefs have far too much power already. They are just cooks, for God’s sake, Get them off television. Put them back in the kitchen where they belong, on a sensible wage. Then UK restaurant prices might come down to sane levels. If we had all our evening meals in a London restaurant that cooks as well as my two flat-sharers we would be paying £80 a night.

3. Chefs are welcome to their world, which would be full of bad-tempered, drunken, ill-mannered, rapacious egomaniacs. A bloody nightmare.

4. Gordon Ramsay is a foul-mouthed if quick-witted oaf who should be locked up for six months in a small room with Alan Sugar and a selection of Big Brother contestants. The only restaurants of his I have been in were absurdly overpriced for what they provided.

5. I don’t want ads of any kind on what is supposed to be a place to meet people. Piss off, illiterates who want to make money out of unemployable chefs - or anyone else. Leave us to our mutual poking.

Next week: A new government strategic initiative led by Hazel Blears and Ed Balls: Empowering transgendered sewage workers proactively.

NOTE FOR NON-ENGLISH READERS: Ed Balls is not a joke name I made up. The UK is in deep economic shit. Largely responsible is this man Balls who was economic adviser and surrogate brain to Mr. Gordon Brown. Mr. Balls is now the Minister for Children, Schools and Families.

When I was young we had parents and children who made up families. The parents sent their children to school. Now we have ministers.

Mr. Balls' economic wisdom helped create a tax system which actively discriminates against marriage. This does not help, and has led to soaring rates of delinquency, lower educational standards which have been concealed by rigging the examination results and criteria.

Having fucked up the country, Mr Balls' new job is to fuck up what he has not yet got round to fucking up. He has never had a proper job, but I have every confidence in him.

Hazel Blears is a bit of a joke, but very nice apparently. She started out as a lawyer before giving up work. She used to be in charge of crime reduction.

Crime has risen inexorably in this country and will continue to do so because of Mr. Balls and his like.

Now she is Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government. Not a worry. They are already in such a mess that she can't do too much harm there

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