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Sunday, 5 April 2009

The Baldrick approach to running things

When I read the news this morning it suddenly occurred to me that the only way to describe this government is to say that it has the Baldrick approach to problems.

British readers will recognise Baldrick, shown here, as the buffoonish sidekick of Blackadder in the TV series. Whenever problems cropped up, Baldrick always said "I have a cunning plan" which invariably turned out to be half-witted.

So, now that every business is groaning under the weight of producing money to pay for all the idiotic initiatives, billion pound computer programmes that don't work, hordes of termite-like unproductive bureaucrats, theft by ministers and MPs (it turns out that we're paying for three homes for one particularly avarious wretch called Hoon) a new piece of lunacy has landed in our laps.

Now parents are to allowed even more time off to recover from the ordeal of having babies. I remember well what a trauma it was for me. I used to keep fainting at my typewriter from the emotional strain of it all. This is, of course, time off employers will be paying for.

However, no worries, because EU regulations to be introduced will make it illegal for us all to work more than 48 hours a week. This, it is estimated, will cost us £11.9 billion a year, screw up the hospitals and fire service. And land me in jail.

I actually remember visting a firm in Germany a few years ago, where they explained to me that to get round this insane regulation they used to work in secret after 6 o'clock with half the lights turned off.

That won't happen here. Whilst elsewhere in Europe they know it's a farce and only obey the rules when it suits them our idiots will hire an army of snoops to make sure we don't cheat.

At this rate in a few years about one person in ten in this country will be doing things that make money and the other nine will be paid to snoop. "Are you sorting out your garbage properly?" "Are you stopping work when you should?" "Don't park there." "Remove that Christmas tree, it will offend minorities." And so on.

Even Baldrick would have known it makes no sense.

By the way, how come nobody's suggested we put a statue up in Parliament Square to the Blessed Jade Goody?

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