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Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Fresh in from the mysterious kingdom of Bolloxiana

The following example of the triumph of the incomprehensible was sent to one of my loyal readers, Brian Wright, who hoped I might translate.

The clearly unemployable author whose name I leave out from kindness is from a firm called SynGro, who - judging by his language - specialise in some kind of fertiliser, and his email read:

Further to my email below, would you like to set-up an introductory meeting to explore if/how we could bring benefit to *******?

With the continuing decline in customer satisfaction for airline passengers, this is an opportune time for ******* to ensure competitive advantage by continuing their excellent customer experience record through a customer advocacy programme, which will result in increased customer retention/recovery/acquisition and product/service uptake.

We can help you achieve this by assisting your company create an action-orientated continual improvement environment, based on objective, proactive and reactive customer feedback – our process and software allows for continual customer feedback to be provided real-time to the responsible individuals within an organisation – those that are empowered to act on and resolve customer issues – this instantaneous line of sight, as we like to call it, can therefore be applied to the front line, back office staff and management, ensuring the voice of the customer is seamlessly integrated through the relevant facets of the business – for example, this actionable insight could be applied to sales processes (including your website), reservation, check-in, boarding, baggage, in-flight services, operational routes, flight times, pricing and so on – so that your customers’ needs and expectations can be satisfied, but more importantly, exceeded, continuously.

I’m positive a short meeting will be highly beneficial, even if you aren’t in a position to pursue further. Would August/September suit?

This is the first time I have actually seen the automatic bullshit generator actually used by a firm. Well done, young man! You will undoubtedly get the clients you deserve, failing which a place in the government probably beckons.

Oh, and sorry, Brian - I have no more idea what he's talking about than you do, but he is quite clearly as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.

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