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Tuesday, 29 September 2009

What's all this "we" shit about, SuperToad?

I have two good jokes for you today, gentle readers.

It is now 12 years since the Bliar promised to be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime. Today, like a dog returning to its vomit Gordon Brown will say in his “speech” – not a real speech as he’ll be reading it - at the "New"** Labour party memorial service:

“Whenever and wherever there is anti-social behaviour we will be there to fight it.”

I assume "we" means you, Gordon, because it certainly doesn't mean me; I pay the highest taxes in Western Europe for, among other things, the police. Unfortunately, as the recent case of the poor lady who, despairing of getting help, killed herself and her daughter showed, the police say anti-social behaviour is nothing to do with them and fail to act accordingly.

Come to think of it, it's becoming less and less clear what is their business - another terrorised lady was told the police wouldn’t come because it would “escalate the problem.” For whom? But then again, there's only so much time you can spare from seeking out politically incorrect crimes and filling in forms.

So glad. then, that you're taking time off from saving the world, Gordon, to sort out this small problem. Should be a piece of piss for you.

Anyhow, now we’re in the legal front, a slice of life from my pal Malcolm Auld in Sydney.

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client facing the death sentence. His last minute plea for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him, 'What time of night is this to be getting back? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bath, pursued by the usual sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop?'

** "New" as in the "old" Labour Party but without principles.

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