Could this £40,000 disaster change YOUR life? If you think so, I'll pay your travel costs - maybe more

Every year a few people from all over the world spend a little time with me and a few of my friends.

Then they spend the next twelve months picking my brains

Some say the experience literally changes their lives.

One said it was the most valuable thing to happen to him since he learned to read and count. At the time he was the marketing head of a national telecoms firm, but he went away and started a successful marketing agency.

But it all started with a disastrous venture that cost me £40,000 – and probably just as much in wasted work. It was called EADIM. But rather than bore you sick about about it, why don’t you check out a video I made a while ago?

Then if you like the sound of it you can visit a little landing page that tells you more, with lots of comments from people who’ve done the course.

So if you’d you like to know what I know – and learn from the people I most respect, why not look at the video now?

There’s a very good deal for you if you book now. And quite frankly compared to what some people charge for “I’ll make you rich through this magical new formula” events, it’s pretty cheap.

Numbers are, as they always say, limited. In this case it’s true as it takes place in a boutique hotel on Jermyn Street.

Why not look at the video here now?

Then let me know if you’re interested - or if you’re not, for that matter.

Carlos Acosta - and is there a virulent plague of design phoneys?

I've seen two of the world’s finest performers in the last three weeks.

First was Placido Domingo in Simon Boccanegra - his final performance at the Royal Opera House. Moving for me, as I first saw him in La Boheme, in 1974 when we were both much younger.

The second was Carlos Acosta at the English National Opera last night. They say he is currently the best dancer in the world today, and he really is extraordinary, partly because he incorporates street influences like break dancing in his work, partly because he seems to do almost everything except compose the music.

But trying to find out what was going on during his show was impossible because the programme was set in reversed out type which was impossible to read.

I often wonder why so many designers seem to want NOT to communicate. But not nearly as much as I marvel at how gullible the idiots who commission design are.

You don't have to be a languid aesthete to see that something is hideous, do you? Or that somebody's taking the piss on price? The Olympic games logo and mascot are good examples, which reminded me of something I just stumbled upon in my files. It’s so ludicrous as to be beyond parody, and explains why most sane people have nothing but contempt for a lot of marketing:

“The National Trust is set to roll out a new identity, created by Wolff Olins, from the beginning of next year."

(What do they mean, "roll out"? It's not a bloody carpet.)

"Wolff Olins has been working on the branding project for more than a year (you are kidding aren't you?) having been appointed following a tender process, according to a National Trust spokesman."

(What is the tender process? Seeing who can trot out the greatest volume of pretentious jargon? Buy the best dinners? Bestow smacking kisses on the most arses? All three?)

"The consultancy also worked on the National Trust’s last major branding project, in the 1990s."

(Did they get it wrong? Has the country undergone a mysterious change in 15 years?)

The spokesman says, ‘Following research about the perception of the National Trust, we’ve decided to refresh the identity.’

(Refresh? Was it wilting in the heat of global warming?)

He adds, ‘The main change is that the oak leaf symbol will be bigger, bolder and brighter. They’re fairly subtle changes, but we hope they will make the identity fresher'. The new branding will go into use for the first time in January 2010, blah blah, crap, drivel, horseshit, etc."

How much did this year’s work cost, one wonders? How could it have taken more than ten minutes on the back of a beer mat? To give a starting point for estimates, the thieves at Wolff Olins charged £400,000 for their massive Olympics piss-take.

But those who pay to be National Trust members can be sure the new logo will pay off. You can imagine the scene, can’t you?

“I see the National Trust’s oak leaf is a millimeter longer, Hermione. Fuck your idea of going down the pub this afternoon – let’s go and see Stonehenge.”

One of my heroes is James Lees-Milne who did so much to make the National Trust successful and wrote some of the finest diaries ever written. He lamented how the bureaucrats were taking over. He must be spinning in his grave.

Don't give the bastards a penny until they stop this corporate onanism.

Masochists! Rally to me ... This could either keep you awake or put you to sleep - it depends

The third How to Write and Persuade is tomorrow at 2 p. m. assuming the webinar people don't screw up again. It comes with two free check-lists - and I'm going to redo the first one, which was out of sync and could be improved anyhow.

In the meantime, how would you like a free basinful of Bird?

Michael Senoff - the very clever man behind Hard-to-Find Seminars - interviewed me ten days ago. How he did it was an object lesson in one of the secrets of success: his research was absolutely impeccable. (Interestingly, someone who was interviewed by Larry King told me he was also superb at research).

You might find the interview entertaining - or then again, a total bore. I actually listened to 15 minutes, and was astounded that in the recording I spent most of the time laughing. Maybe because I could hardly believe how aggressive I was.

Here's the link http://www.hardtofindseminars.com/Drayton_Bird_Interview.htm

It tells you all about how I succeeded very young in the advertising business - and failed repeatedly in direct marketing before finally getting it right.

If you think it's entertaining, it's perfect for listening to in the car. If you find it boring, it's an ideal aid to insomniacs. Just make sure you don't mix up the two. You could fall asleep in the car or stay awake all night.

Have you worked out which result you prefer? Then here's the dreaded link again - and it really is free. http://www.hardtofindseminars.com/Drayton_Bird_Interview.htm. And you won't find me selling you one of those foolproof formulae for making yourself rich on the internet without being able to read or write.

Michael extracts 15 revelations that came to me in the early '60's - what advertising was really like, how I landed my first big job, what a pain in the arse I was - and a whole list of dumb things you should NEVER do if you want to get ahead, straight from the idiot's mouth.

To be honest, you will learn more from what you shouldn't do than what you should. I don''t know if I cover my seven years in the wilderness living under an assumed name but if not you'll have to wait for the second episode.

Have a listen: http://www.hardtofindseminars.com/Drayton_Bird_Interview.htm. Tell me what you think.

How to spot the corporate swamp: look out for lots of initials

Business is divided into two utterly different worlds: the corporate one, where the aim is to climb the ladder high enough to escape the consequences of your folly - and the real one where you are the one who pays the bills - including those others have run up.

In the corporate world (the summit being government and the BBC) shameless wretches who ruin banks, destroy savings and leave thousands on the streets get obscene salaries, knighthoods and fat pensions. In the corporate world, some are feted for engineering pointless acquisitions that feed egos but create no value; others are rewarded for acts that are clearly criminal but cannot be prosecuted successfully. In the corporate world, people trot from one pointless meeting to another achieving little more than extended employment.

We in the real world are squeezed to fund the costs of corporate folly. We cannot get loans from banks - though they force us to cough up for their past ineptitude. Pension funds we have worked a lifetime to build are stolen by megalomaniac politicians. We pay too many taxes because we don't have the funds to shelter our ownership in the Cayman Islands. And this happens because no matter how much governments talk they love the corporates, not us. After all, that's where they get cushy jobs after they've done their worst for the country. The Bliar is a good example. Try and work out where his money has gone.

Besides the endless meetings, one sure way of spotting the reptiles in the corporate swamp is simple: watch out for initials. I spotted a good example at 6 a. m. today in Malaysia's Advertising and Marketing Daily: "TBWA's new EVP, Microsoft's new APAC CMO, LB's digital investments plus more".

I greatly fear that Asia's lively entrepreneurial spirit will be stifled by this sort of thing, because too often they ape the worst of the West, status is so important there - and what confers more status than a string of initials?

Just to ensure I do O.K. whichever camp I'm in I now sign myself Drayton Bird, FIDM (Hon), FRSA.

Bet you didn't know that, did you?

By the way, the very model example of corporate success is Mr. Adam Crozier who has just left a very lucrative little stint at the Royal Mail. He created the illusion of profit by what I call the toilet roll strategy – charge the same price but give fewer sheets, or in this case slash the service to ribbons. The problem with this is that the customers notice eventually and start to wipe their arses with something else.

Just before Crozier left he banned bikes for postmen in favour of "electric carts" on Health and Safety grounds. How can a bike be less healthy than an electric cart?

Lastly, my old friend Christian Digby-Firth has dispelled my ignorance about the ghastly Olympic puppet as follows:

I fear you have failed to consult the begetters of Wenlock and Mandeville, Iris Worldwide ("world class skills across a range of disciplines"). Had you done so, you would have learned that:

To capture people's imagination you have to create something iconic - something unique - something as individual as you and me. We have created a flexible design that allows you to make the mascot your own, while celebrating what is great about Britain - our heritage, our culture and our creativity. They are inclusive, because they invite everyone to take part and get involved. They aren't 'the' mascots - they are your mascots.

"The result is a world first - a multi dimensional, adaptable design for the digital age, which will allow you to customise the mascots online later in the year. And who knows what else, after all we're just at the start of the journey and the possibilities are endless."

Your mascots, d'you see? Which you can customise endlessly. I hope that sets your mind at rest.

Thanks, Christian. You're a real pal.

Yes! The London Olympics Mascot is a worthy competitor to the hideous logo

After the mugs in charge paid gazillions to some "designers" for the ugliest logo ever I wondered in the odd idle moment if they had anything worse in store.

How cruelly I underestimated their capacity for the third rate! In what one suspects must have been a creative frenzy fuelled by cheap brown ale someone came up with the Olympics mascot.

The copy that describes it is almost beyond the cruellest parody.

"Get into the spirit of the Olympic Games with Wenlock, the official London 2012 Olympic Games Mascot.

Named after Much Wenlock in Shropshire, a town at the heart of the Olympic Movement's history, Wenlock’s most distinctive features are the light on his head that’s inspired by the lights on London’s black taxis and his camera lens eye that captures everything he sees.

Each of the funky bracelets on his wrists matches the colours of the rings on the Olympic Flag and they're friendship bracelets too. This cute mascot will be the perfect way to mark the historical event!"

Not really.