God bless Lucy Kellaway - and another helpful idea for you

If there were no other reason for the existence of newspapers, Lucy Kellaway of the Financial Times would do.

She comments on Corpora-drone better than I ever could.

The other day she quoted three corkers. The first was Microsoft on their new browser which “delivers a richer, faster, and more business-ready Web experience. Architected to run HTML 5, the beta enables developers to utilise standardised mark-up language across multiple browsers”.

She then quoted Bob Jeffrey, the head of JWT: “Global consumers are rapidly re-evaluating and readjusting their value paradigms and purchasing decisions. Our job is to keep our ear to the ground with these consumers, providing relevant real-time insight to our clients that inspires cutting-edge, cost-efficient solutions.”

That is linguistic anaesthesia. How in hell did a man who can't write English get to run one of the world's biggest ad agencies? Just imagine sitting in a meeting with him.

But her most glorious example was an ad from “one of the largest and most trusted banking and financial services organisations in the world”, that wants a “customer journey re-engineering manager”.

I cannot improve on her demolition of that, which follows.

"This title contains three layers of obfuscation: the ludicrous yet ubiquitous idea that a banking customer is on a journey; the idea that this journey needs re-engineering; the notion that this needs managing. There is only one conclusion to be drawn: surplus profits generate bonuses and bullshit in equal measure.

The only customers who are really on a journey are those of the transport sector."

What a wonderful woman - and I almost feel like apologising for my contribution, but here's a helpful idea for you that saved one man from going broke.

"8 things that are dirtier than your toilet" - is that a great headline, or what?

I saw that on Yahoo, and I defy you not to want to know what they are.

I only quoted it because Warren Cottis from Australia scolded me yesterday for not delivering what I promised.

He reminded me that a couple of weeks ago I recorded a new set of helpful ideas, swore I would stick one up every two days - then promptly reneged on the promise.

I have no excuse, except that I have a tragic problem: I am constantly being side-tracked - by myself.

I have the ultimate grasshopper mind - never cease having thoughts about this and that, and the minute I have them, out they pop.

Anyhow, one of the ideas had to do with THE most important element in an ad, insert or mailing: the headline. You might be surprised by what I reveal. Here it is.

You can watch the video, or listen to a podcast, whichever you prefer. And I faithfully swear that I will put up all the ideas (there are 11 in all, I think).

Number 1 in Google within 2 hours for $19 and an hour's work. Is this possible? Come and see

Any time I start to think I know it all, someone teaches me better.

Here's the story.

Once a month I run three hour sessions in my office where I fondly imagine I help people improve their businesses.

The truth is they often give me ideas.

For instance, imagine how I reacted when one man told me how for a massive investment of $19 and an hour's work he rocketed to the Number 1 and Number 2 spots on Google against 12.7 million other entries in the same category - in two hours.

Frankly, I was as sceptical as I bet you are. It sounds like one of those cons that besmirch the internet every day.

But the extraordinary thing is, he's done it twice. And the other extraordinary thing is that he isn't a wild-eyed geek or a smooth-talking pitchman. He is about as conservative and quiet as you could possibly imagine.

I am not one of those who believe the be-all and end-all of business success is to get to those top Google spots, but it sure helps.

How was it done? To find that out you have to attend EADIM.

As you may have noticed, that is an event about which I am slightly biased, so I am arranging to run a free webinar featuring one of the speakers and a delegate.

Interestingly the delegate in question already had a very successful business before joining us. Strangely enough successful people seem to believe in learning more than unsuccessful ones.

There may be a moral there.

You can register here.

The other person on the free webinar is one of my co-speakers, a very entertaining Dane called Michael Leander. You can see 60 seconds of him here

A priceless lesson from London's nicest bus driver

This is something that changed my life, and could change yours.

But let me tell you the story.

Most mornings I take the bus from my flat in Chelsea to go to work. The others I walk, because walking is good for getting ideas.

The bus drivers vary. Some are miserable buggers, losing no opportunity to pretend they didn't see you at the stop and sail past, or ignoring you when you get on.

But one shines out like a good deed in a naughty world. He gives a cheery good morning to everyone, and they respond. He gives smiles and gets smiles back.

He may not be THE nicest bus driver in London, but he's the nicest one I see regularly. His name is Sacha Jovecic, so he must come from some part of what was Yugoslavia.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone is from a poem by Ella Wheeler. It is true.

When I was younger, especially when I was successful, I became unduly arrogant and snooty. Failure taught me a little humility. And I also developed the habit of smiling pretty much all the time no matter what.

The act of smiling makes me feel better. But it doesn't stop there. To start with, people smile back. Not just some people, but a very high proportion. And this has an almost miraculous effect. It makes you even happier yourself.

I apologise if this homespun wisdom is boring you. I can only say that it is one of the most valuable, and simplest, lessons I have ever learned.

If you've read this far you may be worried that I'll start flogging the joys of EADIM. You can relax. I won't. I'm going to talk a little more about happiness.

I have a good friend called Professor Srikumar Rao. He is famous. You can see him talking http://www.ted.com/talks/srikumar_rao_plug_into_your_hard_wired_happiness.html.

The other day I got him to come and let me interview him. We were talking about his new book, Happiness at Work: Be Resilient, Motivated, and Successful - No Matter What. I recommend it.

One interesting thing is that like me Srikumar speaks from experience. He told me that he spent years being miserable in his job: he was an executive at Warner Communications and McGraw-Hill before becoming Dean of the Marketing School at Long Island University, which is where we first met.

I am not getting a commission if you buy the book, by the way. I just think that happiness works - and the more happiness the better.

By the way: one small confession, Srikumar did speak at EADIM two years ago - but not this time.

Oh, and if you'd like to see the interview, let me know.

Chloe's secret skills - plus what recessions do to newspapers ...

We may be no bloody good at our chosen trade but now we have a cunning plan.

Two days ago the radiant Chloe who now suffers the awful pangs of PA-dom here came in with a box full of cakes like this.

I tried to get her to pose in three of them but she refused.

Moving swiftly on from that rare lapse, they taste as good as they look, and she really made them herself. I particularly recommend the chocolate ones.

We'd have a lot less trouble and a lot more waistline if we went into the cupcake business, so screw the marketing.

I don't know how The Times can have less trouble and more business, but I suspect they're going about it in the wrong way. They have now given up something insane they were doing, and found something that I fear is worse.

What they were doing was paying people to stand outside tube stations and try to sell copies of The Times and the Sun when less than 20 yards away everyone could get free newspapers. A pretty fine way of pissing away money I would say, but they persevered for many months.

Now they have gone one better. They're offering a £6 House of Fraser voucher to everyone who spends £1 buying The Times. To get someone keen enough to commit themselves to a paper takes quite a few issues. I wager that no-one has done any tests to find out just how many issues that is.

During the last great recession - The Slump - the newspapers went mad offering incentives. They were offering whole Encyclopedia sets to new readers. I believe one national paper almost went broke, before they all realised it was madness and agreed to stop.

I also believe this sort of thing does a paper like The Times no good. There is ample evidence to show that too much promotion kills brands. And their idea of trying to get people to pay for their on-line version will end in tears. They have as much chance as King Canute did.