Indecision runs riot – and a week of yakkety-yak

Thank you to everyone who answered my questions about what might interest you in the way of seminars.

The result created a certain sense of schizophrenia. There was very little difference in number between those who wanted a seminar on integrated marketing and those who wanted one on copy.

Quite a few people said they wanted me to do something in the U.S. as well. I have a lurking suspicion they were mostly those who just hope I'll leave this country in peace.

Anyhow, the solution is simple. I shall do seminars on copy and integrated - probably here in Bristol, because I find it convenient, at the end of May.

I am talking to someone in Denver about doing something there. I know nothing about Denver except I always thought John Elway was a great quarterback.

I spent most of the last week talking, and much as I adore the sound of my own voice it was excessive, especially as I had copy to write for two clients.

The most interesting day was a talk to some bright young people from marketing agencies. Not one of them had heard of Claude Hopkins or John Caples.

After that I had a splendid lunch at the Ivy Club with one of the cleverest and surely the funniest man in this business - Rory Sutherland. If you've never seen Rory, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=audakxABYUc.

Rory will be speaking again at EADIM this year, and so will I.

All the presentations will be new. I have decided to have as my title "I wouldn't do that if I were you". This will be dedicated to a rundown of twenty or so of the more spectacularly stupid things people do in marketing.

It took me about 10 minutes to make a list, but it will take me much longer to make it interesting enough to keep you awake.

EADIM is on October 3/4/5/6 - just a cocktail party on the first night, though.

I thought I'd sold all the seats, but there are still seven. I don't expect them to hang around long as I have a little deal coming up.

The day after the talk I was doing a video interview, where one of the questions was "What do you think direct marketers should be learning about now." I said, "What they should always have been learning, but most haven't."

I think that's quite enough marketing for this week, don't you?

Here’s a cunning new/old business approach. Maybe copied from old fashioned greengrocers?

In olden days when I was young and dragons roamed the land they used to have shops called greengrocers.

They sold fruit and vegetables. There are still one or two lingering on. If you ever spot one, they are usually a whole lot cheaper than your friendly rapacious supermarket.

One trick greengrocers used to play (allegedly) was to misspell things on their windows, in the hope that someone would come in to correct them and end up buying something. Actually, I think they were just bad at spelling.

Nowadays I fear this would never work as almost everybody is bad at spelling.

A friend in the travel business just got an email he found sufficiently amusing to pass on.

It read:

My name is **** and I am the Head of SEO for DeepRed55, part of the Mitie Group.

We have worked on holiday sites such as *** and **** over the last couple of years for another agency gaining top five rankings for escorted tours, lake garda holidays, Famliy holidays and many others. We would relish the opportunity to work **** holidays with on your online campaign.

We could help you drive your online presence using our knowledge of the industry as where the team behind these major competitors. I would like to organise a meeting with someone to talk through the opportunities available and see how we could progress.

I think this is just a cunning wheeze to get free English lessons. What's your theory?

Why aren’t you rich yet? A minor mystery. And can you advise me?

Did you know that new research reveals that the best exam results are in countries where they pay teachers most?

This may explain a few things.

In the U.K. and U.S. where public schools teachers are badly paid a depressing number of kids who leave school can't read and write properly. Conversely, in private schools where they are better paid, they come out literate and numerate.

But here's a strange paradox.

The teachers in the "I'll Make You Rich" educational field make fortunes. Yet as far as I can see very few of the students do well. Why is this?

That thought started because Rogerio Madureiro from Brazil asked me which of four different online sales methods worked best.

I answered by saying that the method is not the critical factor. The appeal of what you sell tends to be most important.

But he obviously follows a few of the money-making experts, so I also said:

There are many people telling you how to get rich.

If you take their courses, the question is, is it working? Are you getting rich? If not, why not?

This question can produce all kinds of answers but many start with "No, I am not getting rich".

And they tend to include any one or all of these four:

1. Because there is no foolproof system. These people are crooks.

2. Because if there is a system it's not as easy as they say.

3. Because I don't actually do what they tell me.

4. Because I take several courses and don't focus.

Some people call this field Info-Marketing when Misinfo-Marketing often seems more accurate.

But people feel so strongly about being their own bosses and not being told what do that they simply ignore the hard work necessary.

My partner Al does follow one expert. Al is smart, and a very good salesmen, copywriter and thinker. It still takes him weeks, even months to get one serious project going.

I hope what you read next doesn't make me sound like a miserable old sod with a bad case of sour grapes, but it has been on my mind for a while.

People are constantly quoting two copywriters to me. Both do very well. One is American, the other English. The English one has copied the American one and imported it here, very successfully.

The American is an excellent writer; the other - though he claims to be - is not: he pays others to write his copy, including one of my associates a few times.

But what irks me? Not that these people make lots of money. Money will not buy you love, looks, taste, wit or happiness.

It is that for the life of me I can't see what they know how to sell except themselves. I don't know what clients they've worked for. Who have they worked their magic for? One of the two has never sold anything but himself.

Would you learn to drive from someone who can't drive? It's all a mystery - and here's another.

Can you help, please?

You may never want to hear or see me again, but if you do, you can help me with a little quandary.

Last year I did two public seminars here besides EADIM. One in branding and one on copy.

This year I would like to do two more. I had planned one in Spain, which drew lots of interest - but no real takers.

I am now thinking of three subjects.

A. Integrated marketing, with an emphasis on direct and digital. If you don't know how to use the various marketing weapons you really are not much more than an amateur. I am doing a private course on this for the Marketing Agencies Association this week. Would this interest you?
B. Copy - again, but with some new material (yes, I write copy every day). I know this interests many of you. It is what I know best. But how many of you does it really interest?
C. EADIM Lite. One day on Direct and Interactive. This is an extended version of the talk I give at EADIM, but just me for masochists only.

If any or more than one of these seriously interests you, can you email me - Drayton@DraytonBird.com - and say which and in which order of priority.

People often ask when I will do something in the US. The answer is, as soon as I can get at least 50 people to turn up and pay :-).

All the best - and thanks for helping.

Drayton

P.S. In case you're wondering, the picture is of Will Hay, a famous comedian when I was young. And I actually went to a school where the teachers wore those mortarboards every day.

Blah, blah, blinding glimpses of the obvious, phoney drivel that defeats its purpose, a laugh from Al … and illiteracy (and crooks) run riot

Yesterday I sent out an email suggesting among other things that in the U.K, people always find reasons NOT to do things.

This reminds me that years ago maybe I should have emigrated to the U.S., Canada or Australia where they tend to give things a try more easily. I didn't because I wanted to stay near my kids.

Anyhow, Al told me a great definition of the British attitude: "the acceleration of a lawnmower with the brakes of a Rolls Royce".

What, though, can you gauge about people's attitude from the copy they write? Assuming it is written by people and not corpses.

Here's a classic for you:

Vivacity was founded to construct solutions for brands that delivered against the consumer demand for authenticity, and to provide platforms that could bridge the disaggregation in media consumption through sponsorship, partnership and by delivering brand messages into environments where consumers are passionately engaged, whether sport, fashion, film, food or music.

How far up your own arse do you have to climb to write that?

How about this?

As you're aware, communication is the lifeblood of any business.  The ability to speak with your customers, your prospects and - more importantly - to ensure they can always reach you is of paramount importance.

Well, fancy that!

Here's another:

As you are no doubt aware telecoms is a minefield and that standards of service and advice in London are often really poor. And, with new and unique tools out there, we believe that businesses like Drayton Bird Associates could be missing out.

Along with our key partners, we have compiled a must-have guide to the blah, blah blah.

And these people want me to read a whole guide written like that?

Even good intentions can be thwarted by lack of thought. I used an online legal service yesterday. Very good too. They charged me £33 for what my lawyer charged £180 for - and it took 5 minutes not half a day's travel to get it.

Then they ruined it by sending me an email: I really enjoyed working with you. Now every Expert who works with you in the future will know what a wonderful customer you are.

Hey, get real, Autoresponder. I sent you a question. You replied. Total time, 8 minutes. This is not a love affair we're having.

Then come the scum...

Evening, so I was bored at work again browsing on CNN's city career testimonials on last thursday and then read for hours about a brand new internet based opportunity that lets welfare recipients bring home up to $2700/week+ of course they didnt trust it for a while but for some reason we just had to see it with my own eyes & im so happy I did since I made $100.98 my very second day actually trying. It is completely easy I've already gotten paid straight into my bank account! it is the most amazing thing thats hapened to me in my life.

Illiteracy rules, right?

There really are a lot of rogues on the internet. Yesterday two people were kind enough to tell me that my stuff is being knocked off. From where? China, apparently. When we asked Mediafire who make this possible to stop it they made it hard. Asked for everything except the last time I sneezed.

P.S. How does the Word grammar check manage to get almost everything so utterly wrong? I write: Assuming it is written by people and not corpses. They suggest: People and not corpses write assuming it.

Woo-hoo!

LEAP DAY FLASH SALE to celebrate the 18th birthday of a splendid man

This is a great day for one of my oldest friends - Daz Valladares.

It is his 18th, which is weird, because he looks much, much older.

That's because he was born on February 29th. Leap Day.

If you don't know Daz, well you should get to know him if ever you want to get great deals on media.

He runs Britain's largest independent media planning and buying business.

When he arrived he had nothing; he used to work 18 hours a day to make ends meet.

He is one of the most generous people I know. I have many world class hangovers to thank him for. It actually took about 30 years before I could find a way of paying for lunch when we met (which was pretty frequently).

We met in 1975, when I was at one of my lowest ebbs (there have been two or three). I actually wrote an e-book to explain how I managed to crawl out of that particular hole and make a few quid.

If you buy this book - which is half price for just today - I will be able to buy him a good birthday lunch, and have a bit left over.

Whilst you will know a few useful things I learned, like:

- How to get started - even if you are a natural born procrastinator like me
- How to stay focused
- The question you must answer before you start any new venture
- How to plan
- And how to carry out your plan
- Your biggest asset in business
- How to have a smart office and not pay rent (perfectly legal)

And if that's not enough, I was quite amazed when I saw how much was in the book.

- How to position your brand as profitably as possible
- How to sell your business
- What mistakes to avoid with a few entertaining horror stories
- A little known marketing fact about PR
- How I sold my agency for a few million
- Surprising news about mergers and acquisitions

All this is information I wish I had acquired a lot, lot sooner.

Because it would have saved me God knows how much money, misery and confusion. And I would have worried so much less

You don't have to worry, though.

If you don't think the book delivers 100 x its price to you in profits during the Leap Year, simply let me know, any time and I will happily refund your money without a quibble.

Go here to buy it now.