Never mind me; this man is really funny

Here are two quotes from someone I've never met or even heard of till today.

"I've yearned for years to have the sort of body that would enable me to walk boldly onto a beach and hear beautiful women sighing ‘Phwoar’ rather than ‘Ugh’. Yearned, but never quite enough to do much about it, at least since I came to the conclusion about 20 years ago that I actually preferred a good dinner and a bottle of fine wine to a night of passion. Mainly because the head chef and sommelier don’t expect you to stay awake for a couple of hours after the meal, listening to them describe their neuroses and hopes for the future.

8 August 2006

Instead of the Government issuing edicts to every airline, why not allow a little consumer choice into the equation? WhatTheHell airlines could be set up with the unique selling proposition that you could take whatever you liked on board as hand luggage, with the downside that you stood a greater risk of being blown to smithereens mid-flight. It would be interesting to see how it fared.

22 August 2006

His name is Keith Hann. He's at Keith Han.com - and a few other places including www.blokeinthenorth.com..

I think he is hilarious. He should be named a British National Treasure. And we're not secret lovers; I really have never met him; he's not a relative. The man is nothing to me. It's not one of those cunning social marketing ploys.

I just think anyone who doesn't like his pragmatic and thoughtful approach to life needs treatment. Here is some more, from part of his description of his career on his company website:

Keith finally got round to taking his gap year in 1986-87. After a thorough cost-benefit analysis, he decided to abandon his initial idea of a global tour majoring on drink, drugs and casual sex, in favour of living in a remote cottage in Northumberland and writing the definitive, unpublished comic novel about the pre-Big Bang City. He does not rank this among his better decisions. .

And this is how he describes a member of his loyal staff on his company website. The member in question happens to be a dog. A late dog, actually.

Arthur Boardman-Hann was born in Rochester, Northumberland on 17 March 1991, which made him about 115 in dog years at the time of his sad death on 14 September 2007. Unfortunately his idea of saving had been burying old bones at the bottom of the garden rather than investing sensibly with Equitable Life, so he was never able to afford to retire. He was proud to the end of his formal police caution for biting a postman’s testicles. In his final years Arthur became increasingly deaf, blind and bad-tempered, confirming that dogs really do take after their masters. His principal interests were sleeping, eating and taking very short walks. But mainly sleeping.

Star sign: Pisces
Key words: drowsy, somnolent, dead to the world.

Go and look him up. I have yet to find anything he writes less than very funny. The last time I recall being so pleased to find a writer was when Dave Barry started writing for The Miami Herald