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Sunday, 13 April 2008

Want to know why they’re such useless tossers?

As you fight your way through the next year, spare a thought for how the chaps in charge – the government - are feeling. Then find one of them to throw bricks at.

They may have got us all into this mess, but they’re hardly as worried as you are; after all, their pensions are all sorted out and inflation-linked.

You have to wonder occasionally, though, how well qualified they are. Could any of them be trusted to do something really tricky - like finding their own arseholes without a motor-cycle escort?

I looked up some of them up at random – the Prime Minister, the Foreign Secretary, the Minister for Health, the Secretary of State for Justice, the Home Secretary, the Defence Secretary, not forgetting Hazel Bleugh, who runs the Department for Communities and Local Government.

You know what? Not one of them has had the kind of job where you have to worry about profit and loss. A few have toyed briefly with teaching, which may explain why our schools are in such a tip, some with the law or journalism but most have spent their entire lives brown-nosing their way up in politics. No wonder they’re all such total ullage.

The one whose efforts over the years have provided me with most amusement is Ed Balls. He’s the genius who used to advise Gordon Brown on economics – known to people who understand money as Ed Balls-Up. Like the others he’s never had a proper job. Now he’s Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families. What makes these clots think they can sort out kids and families when they couldn't run a bath?

Actually, what suggests they can sort out anything? Not a lot. Will Cameron’s lot do any better? I wouldn’t bet on it. He’s clearly a lying toad – at any rate whenever he gets near a bike.

What’s worrying is that nobody trusts politicians of any stripe. They are looked down on everywhere. In the annual Trust Survey run by Edelman– the world’s largest independent PR firm - they even come out below journalists, long regarded as pretty much the lowest of the low.

Mind you, as my partner and her sister pointed out with some vehemence, our lot are paragons compared to the Bliar’s friend Berlusconi. At least none of them have had to pass laws to keep out of jail. Yet.

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