At last! The world's problems solved! Look no further!

Well, the two things I have learned in the last few days are that if you mention anything about masturbation or David Cameron it gets an immediate reaction; and second, that there is a clear link between the two in many people's minds.

It has been observed by wiser people than me that almost everything that happens in the U.S. eventually comes to pass here. So it should be no surprise that just as we have drive-by shootings, oafish youths sporting the "I've just shat in my jeans" look, a massive drug problem and growing numbers of people waddling around and taking up two seats on airplanes, we also have a corrupt political class held in utter contempt by most normal people and the alarming prospect of a general election where the choices are between a manifestly unhinged serial liar, bully and financial incompetent and an oily PR man whose only recommendation is that he hasn't yet had the chance to fuck things up. The parallels with the Bush-Gore election are enough to make you emigrate. But where?

However, help is at hand for all of us. Forget raising taxes because I have been getting facebook messages promoting The Unlimited Money System, which shows how You can now Get ANY AMOUNT Of Interest-Free Money, Without Collateral Security in 1 hour, solve your biggest business challenges Overnight and achieve 12 months financial/revenue goals in 1 hour using the most REVOLUTIONARY SYSTEM; sophisticated technological tool, and leverage in the world, Instantly, starting TODAY!

Jesus, if only the Bloated McThug had known about this he'd never have had to sell off our Gold Reserves for diddly-squat all those years ago!