Wank, wank, wank. It is IMPOSSIBLE to make some of this stuff up.

I'm at my wits' end.

Day after day when I'm not reminding you that I have about three weeks left to live so you'd better sign up for at least three of my Commonsense marketing programmes each I look for follies to poke fun at.

But great tidal waves of drivel keep flooding over me, making me increasingly sure that the future for these islands is vanishing so fast that my prospects are almost irrelevant.

"Does my limp member need a brand identity?" I asked myself, after reading that "The London Sperm Bank (LSB)" - you know total bollocks is not far behind when obscure organisations give themselves initials - "has launched a standalone brand, created by Silk Pearce, designed to recruit more male donors."

Love the "standalone" - unconscious humour combined with pretentious poppycock.

But let us move on to the next collection of turgid cliche:

"The bank is looking to answer the British Fertility Society’s call for clinics to invest in dedicated recruitment programmes to address a national shortage of donors.

As a result, the Colchester consultancy was tasked with designing a brand identity as well as a dedicated website which raises awareness of the banks role within the wider community."

Hardly a phrase that has not been lovingly culled from the Oxford University Golden Anthology of Big Business and Local Government Tripe.

The website is dedicated to what? The wider community? As compared to what? Who writes this drivel? Why don't they know where apostrophes go? Who pays them? Why do I care? What is it about the phrase "brand identity" that so lures the ignorant onto the rocks of fatuity? Why is David Cameron so fucking useless?